Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Wonder Woman's Makeover (Makeunder?)

I read this article today regarding Wonder Woman (the comic book hero).  And before you go thinking I'm this avid comic book fan, I'm not.  Not that there's anything wrong with being a comic book fan, I'm just trying to put this post into perspective for y'all.

Reading this article, I felt torn.  As a child of the 1970's, I was a humongo fan of the television show, "Wonder Woman", starring Lynda Carter.  (Yes, it's Lynda with a "y"...that's how much of a fan I am.  Look it up if you don't believe me.)  I'm torn because Wonder Woman will forever be burned into my brain as wearing those hotpants-that-are-frankly-not-hotpants-but-more-of-a-leotard.  She shouldn't be wearing PANTS of all things.  She should be flaunting her amazing Amazon ass in her hotpants/leotard and showing off her amazing body.  Fuck, if I looked like Wonder Woman, I'd wear that fucking leotard in public.  To Court.  With the Golden Lasso attached to my hip.  Say something.  Please.  So I can kick your ass.  "Wonder Woman! (sung to the tune of the TV show theme...look it up dammit!)

I don't think it's sexist that Wonder Woman's costume is a leotard.  She's hot.  And she's a superhero, so bitch best be in the tip-top physical condition.  Plus, lots of the male superheroes have codpieces or something that showcases their physique, usually in some sort of lyrca-spandex blend.  You can't hid any secrets wearing a lyrca-spandex bodysuit, any more than you can hid in a leotard.  Agreed?

Shit, Batman from the 1960s had a lyrca-spandex bodysuit and a pair of black panties over the bodysuit.  Granted, Adam West wasn't exactly a "buff" superhero, but seriously.  He couldn't hid anything in that grey bodysuit and black panties. 

What's next?  Isn't anything sacred anymore?

Friday, June 18, 2010

Comin' Out of My Head

Today's thoughts:

Who's that asshole that was on the news last night apologizing to BP (some asshole Senator or Congressman or someone)?  What a douche.  And I love how he backpetaled and retracted his apology.  His political staff probably shit a brick after his apology and then went spontaneously blind.  Hysterical.

I'm feeling particular lazy today and haven't gotten shit done at work.  Eh.  It's Friday, and dammit, I deserve to blow shit off once in a while.

Did I tell y'all that I got a new car?  I am the proud owner (actually, it's a technically, I'm a leasee) of a 2010 Ford Focus.  I've had it 3 weeks.  It's black and it's totally sweet.  I thought I would hate it considering I was driving a SUV, but it's pretty kickass.  It has the SYNC technology in it so I love calling people from my car.  For some reason, that shit hasn't gotten old yet, even though I was screaming at the SYNC yesterday because I was trying to call "home" and the voice recognition chick kept thinking I was trying to call "Paul".  "hhhhhhhhoooooome".  I wish I could have smacked the SYNC chick.

There's crazy whacked-out stuff going around here (i.e., work).  The legal secretary walked out today and screamed down the hallway of our floor "I QUIT!"  It was quite the bit of drama today.  She ended up coming back after a couple of hours, but I am getting tired of all the stupid drama that goes on around here.

I realized today that there are no good Mexican restaurants around my workplace and that pissed me off.  I love Mexican food.  And no, Taco Bell doesn't count.  I'm talking about the authentic Mexican food.

I'm so ready for the 4th of July holiday to come.  I am going to take a few days off before and after to have a mini-vacation.  I'm planning to go to Lexington, Michigan where my parents have a little cottage (in case you're not familiar, us Michiganders?  Michiganians?  whatever...we like to go "up north" to cottages -- so I'm going "up north" even though Lexington is like an hour away from my house.)  The cottage has lake access to Lake Huron (that is a pic from the beach I took on Memorial weekend).  I can't wait because it's peaceful and quiet and I can't get cell phone service there, so that's nice too (even though it frustrates the fuck out of me too). 

I hate Viagra commercials.  Especially those "Viva Viagra" ones that are to the tune of "Viva Las Vegas" by Elvis.  I just don't want to think about middle-aged men and their erectile dysfunction.  EVER.  Even when I'm middle-aged (which ain't that far off).  I can't imagine some wife out there, who's been married like 30 years, all thrilled to death because her husband can finally now get as many boners as he wants.  She's probably pissed.  Pissed as all hell.  And I understand men have to suffer through pad and tampon commercials, but seriously. 

My daughter asked me the other day what "breastfeeding" was.  As I struggled for an age-appropriate answer for about 3 seconds, she asked, "Is it gross?"  I answered, "You might think so."  To which she said, "Nevermind."  YES!  Dodged that bullet for the time being.

I'm not a big fan of moustaches...but this one is rather glorious, in a gross sort of way.  I mean, this dude is seriously dedicated to his moustache, don't you think?  He has to put a lot of time into that bad boy, that's for sure.

I love those Progressive Insurance commercials with Flo.  You've seen them right?  Some of my favorite quotes from various commercials...."It's called an "European Shoulder Bag" and "What am I thinking about right now?  Tacos?  YESSSSSSS...."  Love her.  It almost makes me want to call Progressive for a quote.  Almost.

Dang, I'm dying for some tacos now!


Can't tell you why this picture is in my possession, or who it is, but I needed to park it somewhere.  So here it is for all eternity and for your viewing enjoyment, if you're so inclined.

Hot. Damn.  Holyshitfuckingchrist.

Remember I told you I have a thing for stomachs and belly buttons? 

Um...Yeah.  Fuckin' A.  That right there is a body I'd give my child away for...well, not quite.  (although lately with the obnoxious behavior, I really had to think about it...j/k)

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I Think I Need to Adjust My Meds

I feel like I've been on an angry rampage for the past several days.  I nearly snapped in two every night this week, and now I'm starting to wonder if the problem isn't everyone else, but is me.  I know, I know, it can't possibly be me...but maybe it is?

For example:  Monday night
I'm driving on my way home from work and Husband asks me if I can take Daughter to the video game store (a promise made to her by HIM) because she got a good report card.  He had been promising to take her for days, and on Monday, told her FOR SURE they would go on Tuesday.  He was too tired (or whatever) to take her on Tuesday, and was trying to get me to do it.

After pleading with Daughter to see if we could go Wednesday (she wouldn't budge), FINE.  I WILL TAKE HER.  Even though she was acting like the most OBNOXIOUS PERSON ON THE PLANET.  Like typical kid-shit.  Being sassy and smirking and shit like that.  You should know, when I'm not in the mood, being sassy and smirking and shit like that gets on my last fucking nerve and I swear I could snap and go on a murderous rampage, killing everyone in a one-mile radius.  So I was already on edge when we were getting ready to go.  Honestly, I wanted to fucking beat the living shit out of Daughter.  But we go buy the game and I bought some scrapbooking stickers (i.e., retail therapy) and I calmed the fuck down.  But still.  I was thisclose to snapping and killing my family.

Another Example:  Tuesday night
Daughter is playing her new video game and it's getting close to bedtime.  I tell her that she can play 5 more minutes and then she has to turn it off.  After giving her an extra 15 minutes, she starts arguing with me about turning it off until I yell at her to "TURN IT OFF!"  After she turns it off, she stomps upstairs and tattles to Husband.  Instead of backing me up, he asks me why I didn't just let her play another 5 minutes?  BECAUSE, MOTHERFUCKER, SHE ALREADY WENT 15 MINUTES OVER WHEN SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO BED?  Apparently, though, I'm the asshole because it's summer and Daughter "doesn't have to get up early to get to school".  No, she doesn't have to get up early to go to school, but she still has to get up early to go to her grandparents house.  And technically, she gets up in the morning at the same time as she did when she had school.  But no, I'm the asshole.  Me.

Another example:  Yesterday
I have been working late every night this week.  Yesterday,  I came into work and was thrilled to see my schedule clear (i.e., no client appointments, no court hearings) which meant I could tackle the ever-growing mound of work that has been piling up and piling up on my desk.  I get settled and am going through my work to prioritize it, and my boss flies into my office saying she needs my help on one of her cases.  You should know that she has been working on this FOR FREE.  The Defendant is her ex-husband.  I am working on shit for PAYING CLIENTS.  I tell her I'm buried alive.  She says she DESPERATELY needs my "help" and that it will only take "45 minutes".  An hour and a half later, I'm done "helping" -- and that help consisted of me proofreading her motion and brief.  THAT'S IT.  SERIOUSLY???  WHAT THE FUCK?  I had the biggest fucking attitude yesterday.  I'm pretty sure she just wanted moral support or whatever as she was working on this motion and brief, partly because it's dealing with a lesser-familar area of the law that what we practice everyday, but GROW-THE-FUCK UP.  Grrrr.

Another example:  Today
It's 2:25pm.  We have a client coming in at 5:00 to sign some documents.  My boss is supposed to finish drafting these documents before the client gets here (obviously).  She had an appointment with new clients at 11:00...which she ended up starting around 11:30.  THE PEOPLE JUST LEFT.  THREE HOURS???  Some other things you should know -- my boss loves the sound of her own voice.  (obviously again)  She best not pass the buck on to me to do those documents.  I swear I will spontaneously combust.  Or pop a blood vessel.  Or something akin to exploding.

Is it me?  Or am I just surrounded by fucking idiots and an overly-sassy child?  I need my meds adjusted.

Friday, June 04, 2010

Fallin' Out of My Head

My random thoughts lately:

When the fuck is someone going to stop all that oil from gushing in to the Gulf?  I mean, seriously.  This is ridiculous.  I almost feel like it's some fucking conspiracy to raise gas prices.  I certainly wouldn't be surprised.  It's been like 45 days or something...way to kill the ocean, BP. 

I saw (briefly) in the news that Miley Cyrus kissed a girl on TV the other day.  Or she *almost* kissed a girl at some entertainment function.  #1) Why is this news?  #2) Why is Ms. Cyrus intent on acting like some kind of slut (first the lap dance, now this?)  #3) What's the facination with girl-on-girl action anyway?  Y'all know it's FAKE girl-on-girl right?  I wouldn't think it was hot unless it was genuine.  Just saying.

I'm sad to see Rue McClanahan passed away.  I loved "Golden Girls" and now Betty White is the only one left.  Major frowny face.  Those ladies were hilarious.

Husband is getting on goddamm my nerves.  Wednesday, my Facebook was something like "I was driving on my way home and realized there was all crap music on my iPod.  I realized Husband must have deleted all my totally kickass music and replaced it with his lame ass music!  How DARE he?"  Husband doesn't have a Facebook account so he had to login to mine in order to see this post, which I meant to be sarcastic.  He didn't take it that way.  He bitched me out then said that I "embarassed" him.  Then he didn't talk to me all yesterday.  You know what I think of this whole thing?  I think he overreacted in a major way, and that he can suck my ass.  He's such a bitch. 

I'm listening to Pandora Radio -- to my "funk" station -- and every artist that has been played is black.  I started to wonder if the term "funk" also meant "black".  I mean, I'm not trying to be racist, but can white people create "funk" music, and if so, can you name a white "funk" artist?  And Eminem doesn't count.  He's a rap artist.  Chew on that.  (Update:  they played the Bee Gees.   I don't think they are true "funk" artists, though.  Right?)

My boss has not been in the office since Wednesday afternoon and I am lovin' it.  It's so quiet and calm around here without her.  Picture the Tazmanian Devil and his little tornado cloud.  That's her effect on this office.  I can actually get shit done when she's not here.  Bonus.

I had to teach my daughter about internet predators the other day.  She discovered how to play her Playstation 3 online (she is obsessed with "Little Big Planet") and one night this week she was playing with another person online.  I didn't think anything of it until we went to bed and she was talking about the kid she was playing with.  I asked her how old he was, and she said he was 9.  Nothing happened that caused me to worry, but it occured to me to warn her about weirdos out there in case the next person she comes across is some child molestor.  I told her to never give her name, address or phone number to anyone online EVER.  Because strangers are fucked up.  I'm glad I remembered to tell her and I thought it was very sad that this is the world we live in.

I love the TV show "Chelsea Lately".  Chelsea Handler is my kind of chick.  She loves the vodka (represent!) and she's snarky and bitchy and hilarious.  I watch her every night.  I am a huge fan.  Last night, she had the guy who wrote a book called, "Sh*t My Dad Says".  "Shit My Dad Says" is also a group or something on Facebook and it gets updated with shit this guy's dad really says.  Like this recent gem:  "No. Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's."  If you haven't found it on Facebook, please check it out.  You won't be disappointed.

Kristen Stewart is a dumb asshole.  I am so sick of her and her "anti-celebrity" bullshit.  And to equate being famous to being raped -- obviously, K-Stew (E! Entertainment channel calls her this, which is another reason I hate her) has never been raped.

It is gross I find Russell Brand sexy? 

OK, I better get back to work.  Have a fabulous weekend!

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Crazy is a Relative Term

I've been thinking long and hard about which client I should post about, considering it's my first time to talk about my clients on the internet.  I came to the conclusion that y'all may enjoy meeting Mr. Tom Thompson*.

Mr. Thompson came to my office seeking custody of his daughter, Melody.  He has been divorced for roughly 10 years, and sole physical custody of Melody was given to his ex-wife.  Mr. Thompson enjoyed parenting time with his daughter every other weekend, every holiday, and all summer long.  Melody is about 13 years old.

In Michigan, in order to change custody from one parent to another the party requesting the custody change has the burden to prove that it is not only in the best interest of the child(ren) to change the custody, but that there exists a very good reason to change custody.  And I mean, it has to be A VERY GOOD REASON.  Because the courts don't look at changing custody arrangements very lightly.

So, what you may be wondering is what could be the very good reason Mr. Thompson gave me that made me want to help him?

Well, in layman's terms...his ex-wife is bat-shit crazy.  Literally.  Like she needs to be institutionalized.

Mr. Thompson then told me one of the most fucked up stories ever:

On or about April 25, his daughter calls him in a panic.  She has locked herself in the bathroom and asks him to come over to her mother's house to come get her.  She tells her father that her mother just tried to perform some religious ritualistic exorcism or something on her, where she held down Melody, sat on her chest and put a satin cloth over her head.  Mom then sprinkled some ashes or something over her, was doing some sort of chanting, and wouldn't let Melody up.  When she finally broke free, Melody ran and locked herself in the bathroom and called her dad.  Mr. Thompson went to get Melody right away, but also called the local police, who then in turn called Child Protective Services (CPS).  After arriving on the scene, the police did an investigation, made a report, and then Mr. Thompson and Melody had to go to the police station to meet with CPS.  Mom didn't go because she doesn't drive and apparently, no one would give her a ride.

CPS does their investigation and found there to be a sufficient emergency situation where Melody was to be removed from her mother's home and could go home with Mr. Thompson.  A day or two later, they did a full investigation and recommended to Mr. Thompson that he hire a lawyer and try to get full physical custody of Melody.

The story doesn't end there though.  A few days after that, another police report was made regarding Mom.  Mom was out walking her dogs and was walking around her condo complex.  Apparently, she also was carrying a loaded gun in each hand while she was doing this.  Luckily, her sister found her and called the police and no one was hurt.  At that time, the police arrested Mom and had her committed to a mental hospital for "evaluation".

NOW is where I entered the scene.  Mr. Thompson also told me that his ex-wife hasn't paid any of her bills in over a year, her home is in foreclosure, she burns all of her mail out in the backyard, wanders around the backyard and often kneels with arms outstretched and prays, and that the walls in her home are covered in Bible scriptures that Mom has written all over the walls.  She also had pictures of Melody in a circle she had drawn in her living room, with a pentagram inside the circle.

Do you hear the "Twilight Zone" theme song yet?

Now, I'm not trying to make fun of mental illness.  Really.  I feel very sympathetic toward Mr. Thompson's ex-wife, and even asked him if she was getting help (he told me her sister is trying to get guardianship over her so that they can get her some help). 

But daaaaaamn.  This story is fucked in so many ways. 

And in case you're wondering how it ends -- it hasn't yet.  I tried to file an emergency order to get Mr. Thompson custody of Melody but was informed today that the Judge assigned to the case wants me to file a Motion and that I need to somehow get the CPS worker to show up at the hearing.  I haven't quite figured out how to work that out, but I will.  I figure Mom won't show to the hearing since she burns all the mail, and never attended any of the CPS hearings.  It's obvious the woman is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.  I just need to get a final order in place with the court system.

On the bright side -- during all of this, Melody is safe at home with her father.  By choice, she has no contact with her mother and she is trying to work through a very scary experience.  I can't imagine how she must feel, considering your parents are the two people in your life that you should trust to keep you safe, and here her mother is acting all whacked-out.  I can only wonder at what she experienced in the months prior to making that call that night.  Mr. Thompson tells me Mom has been mental for about a year now.

I'll keep you posted on the case, and also introduce you to more of my clients in future blog posts.  Hope you enjoyed Mr. Thompson's story, because, seriously -- I did.  Just goes to show you that real life is so much more jakked than anything anyone could think up.

*Names and dates have been changed to protect the innocent, and more importantly, to protect my ass!