9/11

I've made a conscious decision today not to turn on the television and watch all of the 9/11 documentaries that are run every year. Last year, I just found the whole experience very depressing. Instead, I'm going to focus on this date for another reason.

As I mentioned in my post from last year, besides the thoughts all of us have when we think of the date "September 11th" -- I also think about the friend I lost on September 11. Except, as I mentioned, she did not die in THE September 11th -- she passed away one year later in 2002.

My friend Sandy was a beautiful woman. She was married and the mother of two children. Her daughter, Megan was almost 2 years old at the time Sandy died. Her son, Andrew (or "Drew") was only 9 months old. At her funeral, I was 7 months pregnant, and about 2 weeks away from my baby shower. Sandy's husband came up to me at the funeral and told me that the shower gift Sandy had bought for me was still at their house and he wanted me to have it. I saved that gift for last at my shower, and while I opened it, tears were streaming down my face. The gift Sandy had bought for me was my diaper pail. I found it very funny after Daughter was born, that ever time I disposed of her dirty diapers, I would think of Sandy. Life is funny that way.

Sandy was two years older than me, and had a younger brother, Robert, who was my same age. I recently saw Robert at my 20th high school reunion. We spent about and 1/2 an hour chatting and catching up. I asked him how Sandy's children were doing, and he showed me pictures. I found it fitting that her daughter, who is now 8 years old, is the spitting image of Sandy. She's going to be a great beauty. Sandy's son, who is 7, looks exactly like Sandy's husband, Tony. I couldn't bring myself to ask Robert about Tony. I've often wondered about him over the years. He was absolutely devastated at her funeral. He did not hide his grief and my heart broke for him. Sandy and Tony were only married a short time. They married when she was pregnant with Megan. Despite the babies, I'm sure they were still in the honeymoon phase of their marriage. I believe this because the last time I saw Sandy, she was wondering if she was pregnant again. I laughed because I was like, "GEEZ! Is that ALL you and Tony do???" It makes me smile to think of how we laughed about that.

Even though Robert and I knew each other in high school, Sandy and I were not friends at that time. Our friendship blossomed when we were in college. We both had joined the same sorority, and we became sisters. (ALPHA DELTA PI...represent, bitches!) Sandy lived in my neighborhood, so we started going to sorority meetings and events together. I would always make her laugh because of my bitchiness (I prefer to call it my joie de vivre) and she would infuriate me because she was never on time (a pet peeve of mine).

When I say that Sandy was a beautiful person, I mean she was beautiful inside and out. Husband used to joke that out of all my friends, Sandy was the one he'd most want to have sex with (maybe an inappropriate comment to make here, but I'm just trying to provide a measuring stick!). Besides the outer beauty, she was also beautiful on the inside. Her joyfulness radiated out of her. Her smile could melt ice cubes. Her laugh was one of the cutest things ever. But most of all, her friendship was priceless.

I miss her very much and I hope that she knew how much I valued her friendship and loved her.

9/11

The Day that None of Us Will Forget. On the anniversary of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, I always am reminded of where I was and how I heard of the news. I was working in the HR department at my previous job, and was listening to the Howard Stern Show...and he was the person who told me.

Later in my workday, my company had set up CNN in the auditorium for everyone to come down and watch (if you wanted to) -- and in that auditorium is where I saw the buildings collapse.

Right now, I'm watching the History Channel, reliving the horror I felt that day (watching the doucmentary, 102 Minutes that Changed America). I don't know why I am still morbidly facinated with watching documentary after documentary...I can't get enough. My stomach is in knots, and I feel like I am going to throw up. When those buildings come crumbling down -- I can't stand it. Or to watch people jump to their deaths because they can't get out of the buildings. It's just so disgusting.

September 11th also reminds me of my friend, Sandy. I blogged about her in an earlier post, so you can read more (if you haven't already) in the post about Randy Pausch. 9/11 makes me think of her because she died September 11, 2002. One year later -- one year after THE 9/11. I have been thinking about her, her husband, her kids, her family -- off and on today. Thinking about her death and about the terrorist attacks just makes me feel very pessimistic. This world is so fucked up somtimes, and life can be so cruel.

I hope this black cloud lifts soon. Sadness and anger are things I try not to dwell on for any long periods of time, but today it is appropriate, I think.

I Bid You Adieu, Randy Pausch

I opened up Yahoo this fine day, and saw that Randy Pausch passed away today from cancer. He was 47.

I first noticed this man when someone I know sent me an email link to his "Last Lecture", which was posted on YouTube -- and gained national attention because he was featured on Oprah. I usually rarely watch video clips people send me, especially when I have no idea what they are about. For some reason, I decided to watch this one. I won't go into the lecture, because if you really want to find our more you can read his obituary articles or even go to YouTube and look him up for yourself.

The whole point of my post is that I remember watching this clip and being moved by it, mostly because he remined me that life is short, unfair, cruel and could end at any moment. I'm not trying to be morbid here, but it's a fact. I was also moved because he has three small children, and when I say small -- I want to guess they are all under the age of 5. Being a mother, reading about his death made me very sad that his children will grow up and will not know him. Of course, I won't know him either and for all I know he could have been a real asshole. But my gut says he was a decent person who appeared to really love his children, his wife, his family -- and now that family will have to continue their lives without him.

Randy Pausch's death reminded me of when my friend Sandy died (September 11, 2002). I remember the date because it was "September 11th" and also because I was pregnant at the time. At the time of her death, Sandy was 33 and had two small children. And when I say small, her daughter was not quite 2 years old and her son was around 9 months old. I was sad for Sandy's children the same way that I am sad for Randy's Pausch's children. No one should have to grow up without either parent. I can't even imagine what that must be like.

All of this just makes me think of Daughter and how deep my feelings go for that kid. I love her so much it hurts and makes me scared. Scared in a way where now I see all the dangers in the world, from "look both ways before you cross the street" to "don't talk to strangers, even when they tell you mommy said it's ok or that they want you to see their new kitten". Danger is everywhere and it's my job as a parent to safeguard her from those dangers that she is too innocent to see. Sure Sandy's children have their dad and all of their extended family, and Randy Pausch's kids have their mom and all of their extended family. But their built-in protectors are down by 1.

It's a damn shame. I will be spending some of my time today thinking about Sandy and Randy Pausch and reflecting on my job as a parent and how I can make every second count when it comes to my daughter.