Quote of the Day

"I like it when you take your top off." -- Daughter to me, while we were driving around today in my SUV. It has a sunroof (which is what she was referencing when she said "top".)

The response in my head that I didn't say outloud -- "Yeah. So does Daddy."

Ba-da-bump. :)

Never Judge a Book by it's Cover--EVER

This clip gives me goosebumps and chills and just goes to show you that you should never, ever, judge a book by it's cover. I LOVE Simon's face when she starts singing. I'm surprised -- I thought Botox froze your face...his eyebrows get HIGH!

I love this clip. It makes me feel good for some reason and makes me feel like hope is still alive in this world, thanks to Susan Boyle. Enjoy! (Stick with it. You won't be disappointed.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

(And I apologize, but I can't figure out how to imbed a video in my post. One day I will, but not today!)

I Feel a Rant Coming On...

I need to go off on one of my rants...long overdue, far as I am concerned. If you remember, I haven't ranted since January, when I lost my mind over the snow and winter.

This rant is going to be about me being overweight. What has caused me to go over the edge tonight is the fact that I'm trying to find a dress for my friend, Jen's, wedding. Now, I know Jen reads my blog and so I am going to make it clear right off the bat that I am not complaining about being asked to be in her wedding. I am honored and touched that she asked. We have been friends since we were 12 years old, and she is my oldest friend. I love her like a sister. So, thank you Jen, for allowing me to share your special day.

Now...here comes the complaining.

WHY DON'T FASHION DESIGNERS MAKE CLOTHES TO FIT A WOMAN'S BODY? WHY? WHY? Fashion models are special for a reason. There are only 12 other women in the world who weigh 67 pounds and are 6'2". I'm sorry, world. I have stomach fat and boobs and a flat ass. I like to eat food without throwing it up shortly after consuming it, and I also like to eat junk food. I can't deal with eating grass all day. Husband likes my body and is glad I'm not a skeleton. I am big-boned (literally -- I did the wrist-measuring test. It's a confirmed fact.) My ancestry is from Eastern Europe, probably the pesantry, so I am not made of frail stock. I'm hearty and sturdy and could probably beat the fuck out of someone if I tried. Probably. Ask Husband. We've tussled and he can't take me down too quickly (and we were just playing for all of you ready to call the police). This body has given life to another human being and I have the stretch marks to prove it (I know you can't see them but since we're on the subject of how much I hate my body, might as well throw the stretch marks in there.) My stomach was stretched out to fit another person into it, and so my stomach no longer holds the elasticity like it could have done years ago. It's flabby and probably will always be that way. You will never be able to bounce a quarter off of it, regardless of how many sit ups or crunches or whatever I do. Short of a tummy tuck. Which I have considered....yes, sadly, I have considered the "mommy makeover" but the fact that I'd have to wear a "drain tube" has turned me off to it so far. I figure if it's good enough for freakin' Kate (of Jon & Kate Plus 8) then it's good enough for me. I'm just waiting for the science to get a little more advanced so I don't have to deal with the drain tube. Ewwww.

And everything that fits me is FUGLY. That's "fucking ugly" for all of you not up on the lingo of the kids today. F-U-G-L-Y with a capital FUG. The dresses are either fugly or look like they were designed for 75-year-old grandmas. And I don't have anything against grandmas, except for the fact that I am not one. I am a cute, rather chubby, round-faced, 37-year old. Not anyone's grandma. At least not yet.

And here are the flaws I am trying to fix and/or hide:

The aforementioned fat stomach
The aforementioned boobs
No waistline to speak of
The aforementioned flat ass (although this is easy to fix in a dress)
Flabby arms (I'm growing bat-wings)

Thank god for a cute face or all would be lost. I am now reminded that I am in desperate need of a tan because at least the fat will look better when it is tanned. Skin cancer be damned! Oh, and I won't even mention that I swear I am going through early menopause because I am hot everywhere I go, so I sweat like a pig in the August sunshine, even in the middle of winter. So no matter what I wear (I want to find a dress with some kind of sleeve but I should probably wear sleeveless because her wedding is in mid-June) -- short of going in my underwear -- I'm going to sweat my balls off. Sweaty fat girls are just not cute.

I am so frustrated. Grrrr.

I know I am going to look like a blimp in whatever dress I find. Jen is beautiful in her little size 2 body and I am going to be the anchor on one side of her (the other side being balanced out by her hunk of a husband who is in the military and is built like a brick-shithouse and is like 6'2" or something.) Yes, there will be Jen, anchored by 2 brick-shithouses. FUCK ME.

OK, enough of this. I need to get back to dress-shopping online. Wish me luck everyone.

UPDATE: Here are the four choices I've decided on. Let me know if you have a favorite. The first one is my favorite, I think (if I can find it with the little jacket thing (if you click on the "larger view" button you'll see what I am talking about). Hurry and let me know. I gotta get this dress ordered! All of the dresses are coming up in the navy blue color which is what I need to order (in case you were wondering what color). Thanks for your help!

http://www.zaftique.com/index.php/detail_page/28380/4f59cd46ba2938fc81d990c43835255b
http://www.zaftique.com/index.php/detail_page/20936/4f59cd46ba2938fc81d990c43835255b
http://www.zaftique.com/index.php/detail_page/30554/4f59cd46ba2938fc81d990c43835255b
http://www.zaftique.com/index.php/detail_page/28344/4f59cd46ba2938fc81d990c43835255b

I'd Like to Thank the Academy

I won a blog award, y’all!

Courtesy of my very favorite blogger in the world, my friend, SG. For those of you who do not know, a blog award is a virtual award that bloggers receive when they have a really kickass blog. Or at the very least, a blogger friend who thinks your blog is kickass. Same difference. As told on SG’s blog, The Zombie Chicken Award is explained:

The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken - excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least 5 other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by choosing unwisely or not choosing at all…

So now my part is to name five blogs that I think are worthy of passing along my Zombie Chicken Award…hmmm, this should be easy. I wouldn’t want to risk the wrath of the Zombie Chickens. I have enough everyday shit that happens without having to deal with that!

Well, obviously, SG’s blog, Perfectly Cursed Life, would be numero uno on my list. Her blog is the reason I started mine. Besides it being funny – as she has a rapier wit -- it’s also a spot on depiction of her hilarious take on her everyday life. I can say this, because she’s my friend and I know she speaks the perfectly cursed truth. However, since she gave me the award in the first place...this isn't a circle jerk, folks. So, besides Perfectly Cursed Life, here are my five favoritest blogs:

1. Margaret and Helen. As with many of my favorite blogs, I discovered this one through the aforementioned SG. This blog is so delicious, I need a fork and knife when I read it. It’s written by Margaret and Helen – two women who have been friends for over 60 years. I often laugh out loud when I read this blog because these ladies are funny with a capital F. But it’s only funny if you hate Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin…

2. Rectory Enterance. I came across this one from SG’s list of favorite blogs, and I fell in love. Well, not literally, but I love reading Phoebe Caufield’s blog. As she describes her blog – it’s “a rich chocolately base of liberal politics filled with creamy feminist ganache, wrapped in religious fondant, with some lightly-toasted humor sprinkled on top.” Anyone who can describe her fantastic blog is that mouth-watering description, is alright in my book.

3. A Blondie Moment. Also found via SG, I love this blog. It reminds me very much of "Bridget Jones' Diary", except for the fact that she's not British. If you loved the book and/or movie, you'll probably love this 20-something Blondie.

4. I hate so much. Only someone with an attitude like mine can find as much joy as I do from this blog that describes everything the writer "loves to hate". You should take a peek and then you'll realize how much you agree with her about EVERYTHING. Honestly, there really is so much in this world that is so fun to love to hate.

And Finally....

5. Random Thoughts. Like all of my favorite blogs, I again found this one through SG's blog. I hate to not have any original findings on my list, but I think SG would be flattered that I found her recommendations so freakin' awesome.

Well folks, there they are. My favorite blogs....what are yours? Well, besides mine? :) I need to copy off someone's else's list for a change. :)

Because I *heart* lol cats

Hope this makes you smile. I love me some lol cats.

The Gays Strike Again

Last night, I was once again listening to my second favorite satellite radio station...OutQ. It made me happy because heard a remix of the "Wonder Woman" theme song. Fuckin' A. I haven't heard that song since I last watched the TV show, starring Ms. Linda Carter. I was reminded that as a child, I was obsessed with that show. I even had a Wonder Woman one-piece bathing suit that looked EXACTLY like Wonder Woman's costume. I was 8. And I used to wear that thing all summer long...complete with the headband and wrist cuffs that I made out of paper. I was stylin'. I know my mother has a picture of me in that bathing suit somewhere. I need to find it and post it here for all of you to see. It was BADASS. It didn't have a cape though. Dammit.

I swear, I am a gay man stuck inside of a heterosexual woman's body. This picture makes me want to become a fabulous drag queen and go to Pride Parades in my Wonder Woman costume. Only this time I would have that sweet cape. Shit, I'd even have that golden lasso...

Unforgettable...That's What You Are

Recently, Husband and I went to the movies and saw “The Watchmen”. Husband is a closet comic book nerd (and don’t you dare ever tell him I outed him) and had been anxiously awaiting the release of this movie since he first heard it was in production. He had read “The Watchmen” – the graphic novel (it’s not a comic book) when it first came out, apparently when he was in high school. A few years ago, I had given him a hardcover copy of it for his birthday or something – after realizing it existed and that he wanted it.

The day it opened – we were one of the first in line to see it. Granted, the movie theatre is not very busy on a Friday morning at 10:00am, but still. I had the day off, and he was covering the afternoon shift for someone at work…so it just sort of worked out perfectly that we could go see “The Watchmen” at its first showing on its Opening Day.

I was not as excited as Husband to see the movie, although, I had read the graphic novel a couple of years ago, and found the story intriguing. It’s not your typical comic book. The lines between good and evil are blurred, and it’s a thought-provoking, complicated story. The superheroes are not your typical superheroes. They are flawed and lack any kind of defining superhero powers. There is not a storybook happy ending. Despite all of this (or because of it, take your pick) I did want to see it and went with him willingly.

One of the first fight scenes in the movie involves one of the characters getting the shit kicked out of him, after someone breaks into his high-rise apartment…and ends with him being thrown out his window and tumbling to his death (splat!) on the streets of New York. The fight sequence was really good, but the thing that struck me was the soundtrack. This fight was put to the song, “Unforgettable” by Nat King Cole:

Unforgettable, that’s what you are

Unforgettable though near or far

Like a song of love that clings to me

How the thought of you does things to me

Never before has someone been more

Unforgettable in every way

And forever more, that’s how you’ll stay

That’s why, darling, its incredible

That someone so unforgettable

Thinks that I am unforgettable too

Unforgettable in every way

And forever more, that’s how you’ll stay

That’s why, darling, its incredible

That someone so unforgettable

Thinks that I am unforgettable too

“Unforgettable” is a song that is special to Husband and me. It was our wedding-couple-dance song. A few days after seeing “The Watchmen”, Husband and I are driving somewhere and he is playing a CD. I realize the song is one from the soundtrack of “The Watchmen” which reminded me that I wanted to buy it (it’s really good). I ask what we’re listening to, and he responds that it’s the soundtrack to “The Watchmen”. Great minds think alike, I guess. After another song or two, “Unforgettable” comes on. I half expected Husband to fast forward it to the next track, but he plays the whole thing...(awwwww…I see he still thinks its special). We end up taking about it a little, and how it defines our relationship.

As some of you may know, Husband infuriates me more than any human being alive. Except maybe my mother. He gets under my skin and makes me feel like I am going to explode like a nuclear bomb sometimes. He’s bossy, overbearing, opinionated and stubborn. He never thinks he wrong. He tries to run my life and gets frustrated when I don’t do what he thinks I should do – um…no, I have a brain and I’m grown and I will do what I think is best for me, thanks.

Despite all of his flaws, however, Husband is certainly one of the most unforgettable people in my life. He is my husband, and I’ve spent over 20 years of my life with him, sharing experiences and sharing life. He’s the father of my child, and I will forever be grateful to him for giving me such a beautiful and wonderful daughter. He is the only man I’ve ever fallen in love with – love that started with infatuation and immaturity has grown into something deeper and more permanent, almost like a scar. But in a good way (OK, in a good way most of the time).

Our relationship is complicated in a way that I never imagined during our first “Unforgettable” dance. Life is funny in that when you’re young, love and marriage seem so black and white. You fall in love, you get married, you buy a house, you start a family (or not, depending on whatever criteria is important to you), you build a retirement fund, you retire, you enjoy your golden years with your spouse. All the while, remaining as blissfully and blindly in love as you were the day you got married. And you never have problems or argue with each other – and you look down your nose at people who tell you otherwise. Divorce is for people who are failures and it would never happen to you, right? And you think that the TV show, Married…With Children is an exaggeration and isn’t based on real life.

But then you get older and your relationship gets older, too. You realize that you’re married to a version of Al Bundy – a man who has the responsibility of supporting his family on his shoulders and who just wants to sit in front of his TV with his hand in his waistband and watch some sports or something. You may even realize that you’ve become a version of Peg Bundy…maybe. Despite the negative connotations, I’ve seen enough episodes of Married…With Children to understand that deep down – deep in Al and Peggy’s hearts, they are two people that still love each other. Despite the flaws. Despite the ridicule, despite the boredom, despite the feelings of being trapped or hopelessness.

There are days where I feel bored, trapped and helpless. I know Husband does, too. We’ve talked about it. However, there are also still those days where I feel like I did on my wedding day. Husband still makes me laugh and I think he’s one of the funniest people I know. I still think he’s attractive and has a great smile. We have millions of inside jokes and can usually instinctively tell when the other person has something on their mind. I know how he’s going to react to pretty much any given situation, and I have accepted the fact that he doesn’t want to visit my family (really, who can blame him? Half the time I don’t even want to visit them!). He loves hockey and the Detroit Red Wings and every new hockey season we make up a secret handshake or hand signal that we do when the Wings score a goal (it’s silly, but it’s tradition now). He’s a decent father, although sometimes I don’t agree with how he parents (and vice versa) – but I can say I know for sure that he loves Daughter as much as I do. But most of all, he’s given me a feeling of security that I can’t deny. He’s always taken care of me – or at least tried to. He’s always supported me in the things that I do, even if I do question his motives. And he’s always been someone I can trust with my life – even when I feel like I am going to kill him (in his sleep…knife to the heart. Oh yeah…I went there).

Thankfully, I think that the good days outnumber the not-so-good days. And when we’re having one of those no-so-good days, I think about something Husband once said to me in a voice laced with sarcasm: “I have to grow old with someone; it might as well be you.” Not exactly a ringing endorsement of the love we share, but certainly an unforgettable statement. I mean, when it comes down to it, isn’t that what we could all hope for in the end? To share our last days with the person who shares a common history, who can read your thoughts, who will support and protect you? Even if you want to kill them in their sleep? C’mon. Who’s with me on this one?

Oh, and P.S. I enjoyed “The Watchmen”. It was a long movie (2 ½ hours +) but it was visually breathtaking and I thought it told the insanely complicated story as best as anyone could have. The characters are riveting (especially Rorschach) and if you can stand the violence and the running time, you might enjoy it. Just take a snack and settle in for the ride.