BFFs

Last night, I bought “Super Mario Bros.” for my Nintendo DS. I really don’t play with it all that much, because frankly, I don’t have a lot of time and I hate most of the games out there. I grew up with simple video games like Pac-Man and Donkey Kong. If I have to press more than one button in order to make my video character do whatever it is that video characters do, it’s too complicated for me. I think all day for a living – when I spend time doing recreational activites, I want to shut my brain off for a while.


“Super Mario Bros.” seemed like the perfect choice. There’s not a lot of buttons to deal with and plus, everyone loves Mario, right? I took Daughter with me to the video game store, and I made the purchase.

A little time later, we are taking turns on my DS being Mario. Whenever one of us lost our turn, it was the other person’s opportunity to play. We were having a blast. Then we remembered we could sync up our DS’s (she has one too) and we could play Mario as a two-person game. Great idea!

Since we couldn’t find the original instructions that came with the DS (who keeps that shit anyway?), I went to the computer to look up the directions on how to sync our DS’s. On the way up the stairs to our computer room, Daughter says to me, “We’re like peanut butter and jelly.” I ask her what did she mean? “It means we’re like best friends.”

HOW CUTE WAS THAT? We’re like peanut butter and jelly. Nevermind that she doesn’t even like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The analogy couldn’t be more fitting.

Too Many Apologies

I feel the need to apologize to all of you, my dear readers.  I have been paying as much attention to writing in my blog as I have to becoming a vegetarian (which, in case you didn't get it, is ZERO.  I am a bona fide MEAT EATER.)

Despite not having a job at the moment, I have been extremely busy.  Go figure, right?  Christmas shopping, wrapping presents, baking cookies and being lazy (such as sleeping in late and taking long naps) has been monopolizing all of my time. 

Please don't give up on me.  I promise to write something hilarious and thought-provoking sometime soon.  Hang in there and bear with me.

The Irritation Continues...

I went for an interview today with the Michigan National Guard for their Judge Advocate General (JAG) Corps.  I had to drive about 100 miles to get there (one way).  Once I got there, I was supposed to see Captain America (not his real name, obvs...but I must protect the innocent).  I ask for Captain America and once I introduce myself and tell him we had a 10:00 a.m. appointment, his all-American face is oh-so-very puzzled.  Like my name and the fact that we have an appointment doesn't ring a bell kind of puzzled.

Oh, I see we are starting off on the right foot, aren't we?

It gets better.  He acts like he had NO FUCKING IDEA I was supposed to be there.  I do the polite thing and tell him that if this is a bad time, I can come back (and trust me, if he had told me to come back there was NO WAY IN HELL I was coming back, considering it took me nearly 2 hours to find the place).  I even resorted to showing him the confirmation email I received regarding our appointment.  It's December 5th isn't it?  So we do the interview.

Going into the interview, I was under the impression (from the recruiter) that the JAG Corps was in desperate need of lawyers.  Speaking to Captain America -- who told me there are only 17 lawyers in the whole state, and only 2 of them are on "active" duty -- that despite there being buttloads of work to do, he really only needed lawyers who were experienced in litigation. 

I have no litigation experience.

I also found out that "for sure", because, after all, Captain America doesn't want to "bullshit" me -- that if I were to join the JAG...I'd be deployed "overseas" (read:  The Middle East) immediately after training, and that deployment would last one year.

FUCK THAT PEOPLE.  I didn't like those odds.

So I pretty much bid Captain America adieu and went on my merry way back home.  Only to be grilled by Husband for nearly an hour about how I should still consider joining.  I FLAT OUT told him that there was no way -- hear me? -- NO FUCKING WAY I was joining when there would be a 100% chance that I would have to leave my daughter for one year.  Nevermind the 6 months of training when I would be away.  Want to know what his response was?  Go ahead.  Ask me.  Please....

He said that I would be given leaves and that I would still see her. 

That's when I had to crush his hopes of being married to a JAG Officer once and for all.  FLAT OUT.  And please don't get me wrong.  I admire the men and women who serve this country with all my heart and soul.  I'm just too old and too set in the ways of being with my kid where I want to sacrifice any more time away from her (the four years I spent in law school were enough time away).

Oh, and the best part of the interview?  Captain America asked me if I had considered joining one of their other units -- specifically, the Human Resources branch.  He mentioned this because all of my pre-law school work experience was in Human Resources.  I told him, no, I was pretty much focused on legal positions, I mean, considering the schooling and the student loan and the fucking 2 years I spent trying to pass the goddamm Bar exam. 

Seriously?  WHAT THEE FUCK CAPTAIN AMERICA?  You can't be serious?  Dude, I look forward not backward.  If I had loved HR that much, I would have stayed there instead of investing 7 years of my life and $100k into a legal career. 

Thoughts in My Head

Lately, I haven't had any "big" topics to write about, but I've thought of a bunch of little things I need to write about.

1)  I've decided that I think Adam Lambert is one sexy mo' fo'.  I've never wanted to be a gay man more in my life than I have over this past week.  I love love LOVE his new song, "For Your Entertainment" and I think he's hot stuff in the video.  Love the guyliner, love the hair, love everything.  This is just one more thing that proves I'm a gay man trapped in a heterosexual woman's body.  And I don't give two shits that he kissed a guy on stage at the AMAs or that he simulated oral sex.  Honestly, who gives a fuck?  I've taught daughter about gay people in simple terms (sometimes boys want to marry boys and girls want to marry girls...'nuff said.)  I don't think I'm gonna "turn" her gay by explaining what it means.

2)  I am so pissed at Farmville -- some of the things that are available to buy to decorate your farm with you have to pay with "farmbucks".  Only there seems to be no other way to accumulate these "farmbucks" other than to purchase them with real money.  And fuck that, Farmville.  Keep your Mystery Boxes and your black ducks.  Even though I want one I will not be spending any money on you.

3)  I've started snoring as of late (meaning the past few months) and I've been kicked out of my bedroom.  I now sleep either on the sofa in our living room or in Daughter's room (she sleeps in my bed with Husband).  At first I was all fired up about it, but now I kind of like it because I get her whole bed to myself (she has a Queen).  It ain't half bad because she even has a TV with cable in her room, so I feel like I'm back living with my parents again.  Except without the dysfunction.

4)  When did Pandora radio start playing commercials?  I have been away for a while, but tonight, when I was here in my home office putzing around, I have it on and I'm all WTF?  I don't appreciate commercials AT ALL.  And speaking of Pandora, when did my "George Michael Radio" turn into Beatles Hour?  I've heard "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" and "Come Together" one right after the other.  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate me some Beatles, but seriously?  It's called "George Michael Radio" for a reason.  Play some fucking GM or I am going to get my feathers all in a ruffle.

5)  OMG Pandora is now playing the second Elton John song...I've realized that Pandora must be intepreting "George Michael Radio" to mean "Gay Male Performer Radio" which is fine by me considering my #1 above, but seriously...PLAY SOME GODDAMM GEORGE MICHAEL ALREADY and stop fucking with me, Pandora!  (And speaking of Elton John, I love me some Elton, too.  My mom once took me to one of his concerts when I was 3 years old, and I still remember him wearing his crazy outfits back then.  Like that one over there to the left.)

6)    I got my letter from Unemployment today and hopefully the cash should start rolling in any time now.  Of course, it's a fraction of the money I was making when I was employed, but I am not going to complain.  Being unemployed has got me thinking of starting my own practice.  I've been mulling it around for the past couple of weeks.  I'll keep you posted on my progress.

7)  Husband has rearranged my home office and I can't stand it.  There was once a futon in here and he's moved that out and replaced it with bookcases.  Now there's only one chair in here which is fine if you're the one person in here, but forget about two people being in here because there's no where to sit.  He's also rearranged just about everything else including taking my pictures off the walls.  I can't tell you how much his touching my shit annoys the fuck out of me.  I find it beyond irritating.

8) I think I'm going to try and put up my Christmas tree either tomorrow or Friday.  I meant to do it on Monday but we had a death in our family.  One of Husband's aunt's passed away last Friday and so I've been involved in visitation and funeral activities. 

9)  Still no George Michael on my Pandora.  Who can I write a strongly worded letter to?

10)  I can't think of a 10th thing...so I'm outta here bitches!  :)

Thanksgiving and Birthday Wishes

My good friend IRL (that's "In Real Life" for all you not in the know) Kim, from A Perfectly Cursed Life has given me an award, y'all! It's the award she started last year in honor of the Thanksgiving season, and it's the "Thanks for Blogging" Award. Ain't she sweet for including me? Yeah, I thought so.  And, unfortunately, I can't get to her blog because I keep getting an error (over and over) so please forgive me for not posting the award itself.  In receiving the award, I'm supposed to thank some of my fellow bloggers for blogging...so here goes:

Like Kim, I have to thank LiLu at Live It, Love It for blogging.  Her blog has make me laugh out loud on many an occassion, and I'd really be lost without her.  She makes me want to go to Washington, DC and start stalking her and make her be friends with me.  When I say "stalking", I mean it in the most harmless way possible.

I would laso like to to thank Lisa from Lemon Gloria.  She is also someone who makes me laugh out loud on a regular basis, and I also get to relive those days from when I was a new mommy through her blog.  Not that I necessarily want to relive those days, but it's a nice reminder sometimes.

Thank you also goes out to Sass at Hot Piece of Sass.  She's hilarious and another blogger who makes me LOL.  I find myself wishing she'd just spend all of her time blogging because I love reading her blog that much.

I want to thank mysterg, at Meditations in an Emergency even though w may not always see eye-to-eye.  No matter what, he's still a good read.

And lastly, I want to thank my two favorite thought-provokers.  Is that a word?  It is now, y'all.  First, there's Tennyson at andy warhol goes shopping and then Dr. Jay at Yoga for Cynics.  Both of these blogs give me cause to think quite often, even though their writing styles are both very different.  I like reading their blogs because I like to take the old noodle out for a spin once in a while, and can't spend ALL my time laughing a baby poop and adult fart jokes.  Although, trust me, that is quite an excellent way to spend my time, in my humble opinion...

Anyways....

Getting this award got me thinking about my Thanksgiving topic this year. I have been mulling it around in my head for the past week or so.  Funny enough, this year, Daughter's birthday feel on Thanksgiving, and she's the one thing in this world I am most thankful for.  (Sorry for the late post!) 

If you care to read last years' birthday post about the day Daughter came into this world, click here.  Otherwise, just read about all the reasons I'm so thankful for her.

I'm thankful she is healthy.
I'm thankful that I got to be her mother.
I'm thankful that when I'm having a shitty day and she knows about it, she offers hugs and kisses.
I'm thankful she has a wicked sense of humor and fully understands the meaning of sarcasm.
I'm thankful that I have someone to share fart jokes with -- and who will laugh harder than me at them.
I'm thankful she still has her childhood innocence intact and hasn't been jaded by the world yet.
I'm thankful she still believes in Santa Claus.
And the Tooth Fairy.
I'm thankful that she doesn't care about money, and only cares about love.
I'm thankful she speaks her mind and doesn't censor herself yet.
I'm thankful she is sensitive and kind to others.

Happy 7th Birthday (yesterday) to my baby girl.  She's the one light in my life that keeps me grounded and sane.  xoxoxo

Soon To Be Living Life On The Dole

Goddammit. I noticed that my last blog post was on November 13, and now, 10 days later, I haven’t posted. Well, technically, this is a post, but you must realize that I had the thought about not posting before I posted.

If you’re still with me after that doozie of a sentence, I am writing to say that I haven’t written because I haven’t felt all that inspired to do so. A lot has changed in the last 10 days, and so the perpetual black cloud that seems to hide behind every corner is back, ready to take a nice, steaming shit all over my mood. To catch you up –

Riding the high of passing the Bar exam sure didn’t last very long. I found out last Monday that I am once again, losing my job. My last day at this job is November 23. MERRY CHRISTMAS! Welcome to Unemployment!

Husband says I should write a thank you note to my current boss, telling her how much I enjoyed working here and whatever happy horseshit I can work into the letter. You know--make it a proper ass-kissing letter. The mood I am in today – here’s how the letter would go:

Dear Boss:

Thank you so much for providing me the opportunity to get my hopes up into thinking that this company could be a place where I could set some roots. You have no idea how much I appreciate knowing that despite the fact that you acted like you wanted to mentor me, saying you wanted to be “like a mentor” apparently means that you were going to shit-can me as soon as possible. 
Thank you also for releasing me from this position just in time for me to “celebrate” the holiday season with my family. I am so glad I am not going to have any money for Christmas presents this year – thankfully, my daughter will think Santa Claus is the asshole for the sparse appearance of Christmas presents and not me (I truly thank you for that!).

I also would like to thank you for all of the constructive criticism you provided me while working here. Since I am leaving, I am going to probably forget everything you said since I will have no where to apply my new knowledge – so basically, you wasted your time (and mine!)

Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to drive 100 miles round trip everyday to a job. I really loved getting to know the City of Livonia and its neighboring cities of Plymouth and Northville. Oh, and nevermind all of the miles I put on my leased vehicle, all of the money I spent on gas, and getting rear-ended a few weeks ago.  Those were bonuses!

Thank you for allowing me to sit on my ass at home while I collect unemployment through the winter (no snowy rush hour drives)!  I know the unemployment checks will be nowhere near what I was making at this job, but at least I will be getting paid for doing nothing – except sleeping in and watching talk shows (especially The Maury Show with its paternity and lie detector tests--WHOOPIE)!  I see that my dedication has been richly rewarded. Just goes to show me that persistence, hard work and dedication ultimately pays off!

Oh one last thing -- here's a big FUCK YOU.  I'm running over to the supply closet right after I type this so I can steal as many highlighters, pens and pencils as my purse will hold.  Tomorrow, I'm bringing a bigger purse.

With Warm Regards,
Me

That Fucking Fucker Should Go Fuck Himself

A reader of mine, Tennyson ee Hemingway, at andy warhol goes shopping, recently wrote a post about swear words. His post got me thinking about my own love affair with swear words and has inspired my very own post.

In my mind, I have different levels of swear words, similar to the varying rings of Hell in Dante’s “Inferno”. At the bottom of the pit, would be those words that are the worst. “Cunt” falls into this category. I rarely use this word. Not that I don’t enjoy using it, don’t get me wrong. And I particularly love using it in the quote I stole from an episode of “The Sopranos” where Pauly is telling Christopher to stop acting so “cunty” – which is funny all in itself considering Christopher is a man. I really don’t use it all that much, unless I’m really trying to make a point – or trying to describe my loathing of a particular person or thing.

Next, we have those words that I think should only be used in the bedroom. You can probably guess what these are – “pussy”, “dick” and “cock”. I am not comfortable using these words outside of the bedroom – and am really not all the comfortable using them IN the bedroom, to be honest with all of you. I rarely talk in the bedroom at all, much to Husband’s chagrin. The reason why I'm not a "talker" is because I’m concentrating too hard on what I’m doing, and really don’t feel like sex is a conversational activity. But I digress here (is this TMI?)….and I guess I have used the word “dickbag” in the outside-the-bedroom world, but that’s very close to “douchebag” and I don’t consider it a “swear word”. I mean using the word “dick” to describe the penis. Not as an insult. There is an exception to this rule: I have often used the phrase “I was left with my dick in my hand” or the variation, “I hope he/she doesn’t leave me with my dick in my hand” used to describe those instances where someone has or is going to fuck me over. In that phrase, I am comfortable using “dick”.

After this second ring of Swearing, comes the following tier – where the word “fuck” sits all by its lonesome. This word deserves a tier all on its own, because frankly, there is no other swear word like it. It can be used to describe a noun-person (fucker), an verb-activity (fucking), or an adverb-description (the fucking fucker). Fuck is my very favorite swear word because of it’s versatility. I would probably also put “motherfucker” on this tier. I love using that form of “fuck” – because it goes from ultimate harshness in “motherfucker!” to something funny when said as “muthafuckaaaaa!”

Next tier is saved for “shit” and “piss”. Funny that both words are used to describe bodily functions. “Shit” is relatively versatile, but not as versatile as “fuck” so that’s why it is on this next tier. “Shit” also comes a close second to fuck in my usage – although it doesn’t have quite the same sting as “fuck” does. As an example, I wouldn’t be embarrassed to say “shit” in front of old Christian ladies, but I’d probably be a little blushed to say “fuck” in front of them. Of course, it depends on the context. Saying, “I gotta take a shit” is the most embarrassing form of this word – one that I’d never say to a group of Christian ladies (or any other person on the face of the Earth) anyway.

The final tier is saved for those swear words that seem to be OK to say on American television. Those are “ass” and “hell”. Neither is very brutal in the forms in which you can use it, except maybe “asshole”, which I would sandwich into the tiers between this one and the one above it. Like one of my friends said – when you are going from “ass” to “asshole” you’re moving from “something fleshy and soft to something smelly and rank.” Well said.

Of course, there are many more words not included in my tier system. “Twat” is one of those words. I find it just so vile that I want to pretend it doesn’t exist. I once heard my mother use “twat” in a sentence, and I have forever been scarred for life. Best part is that it happened only a couple of years ago. You can imagine my horror.

So what are you favorite swear words?