I Do Not Understand...

Disclaimer: Sorry if you disagree with my opinions. But you know what they say: opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one. (And mine is better than yours.)

Throughout our relationship, Husband has exposed me to multiple things that I’ve enjoyed. And get your mind out of the gutter, people. I’m not talking about that. No, I mean there are movies and TV shows and books and everything that I would have never really given a chance if it hadn’t been for his enthusiasm about them. A few examples: the Canadian comedy troupe, The Kids in the Hall, the British comedies Father Ted and Keeping Up Appearances, the movie Fletch (and all things Chevy Chase).

However, there are many more things that I just don’t get. I sometimes wonder if I need more testosterone and possibly, a penis, to truly find the fascination in these things. And because I don’t want this to turn into a 40-page blog, I’m only going to blog about two of Husband’s favorite movies -- Blade Runner and Platoon.

Blade Runner is one of Husband’s most favoritest movies of all time. Or I should say, Of All Time. When Ridley Scott released the Director’s Cut of this movie, we had to buy it. I’ve probably seen it at least 15 times (all in his presence). My most recent exposure was last weekend, when it was on the SciFi Channel (newly named “SyFy” which I am hating with every fiber of my being.). Watching it for the 16th time…I still don’t get what all of the hoopla is about. It’s an interesting enough story – Harrison Ford is a cop who is hunting androids (or whatever) who look like people – “replicants” – and he meets Sean Young who is a replicant who doesn’t know she’s a replicant. He falls in love with her and then runs away with her at the end of the movie (because the other cops are after her and they have to leave before she gets killed. Or they both get killed. Or whatever. I guess.) Fade to black. And story goes that when Ridley Scott made the movie, you were supposed to wonder if Harrison Ford was a replicant too, but you know what? The movie doesn’t really answer that, but there are “clues” throughout the movie (and trust me, every one of them has been pointed out to me at least 15, um, 16 times – once for every viewing) and the ending is ambiguous and I hate ambiguous endings (like the ending of The Sopranos. But I digress). And the clues are dumb little shit like the replicants in the movie have a different look to their eyes or something. Fuck you, Ridley Scott…I want my movies tied up with a pretty red bow at the end so I don’t have to spend all eternity wondering about it. Fucking tell a story that has a beginning, a middle and an end. Don’t leave me hanging. Godammit. And don’t make a movie where I am going to have to watch it 300 times in order to get all your little clues and all your mind-fucking bullshit meanings. Is it supposed to be tragic? Science fiction? Tragic science fiction? A romance? Romantic, tragic, science fiction? My brain is going to explode.

I only want to rewatch movies that are funny so I can quote the funny movie lines to my friends. Like in Happy Gilmore where Adam Sandler says to Bob Barker, “The price is wrooooong, Bitch!” Or when Chris Farley does anything in Tommy Boy. See….that shit is hilarious. They're COMEDIES. Definitely worth a rewatch. Or 100.




Another movie favorite of Husband’s is Platoon. Yes, fine, it was one of Oliver Stone’s greatest masterpieces, but it’s not a movie I want to watch repeatedly. It’s sad and horrible and gut-wrenching. My dad is a Vietnam Veteran and it makes me sad that he had to endure the jungles of Vietnam when he was a young man. I will watch it once and be blown away by the awesome greatness of the movie, but for Crissake, I don’t want to sit through 2+ hours again in agony because I’m waiting for Willem Defoe to be killed by Tom Berringer. Why don’t we just cut out the middle-man, save ourselves 2 hours, and ask Oliver Stone to just come over and poke my eyeballs out with a spoon? Or cut off my ears and wear them as a necklace around his neck? I’d be crying -- but at least I’d still have 1 hour and 55 minutes left to do other shit with.