Know Thine Toolishness

I admit it. I am a Reality TV fan. It all started way back when – when the very first Survivor landed on my television radar. I fell in love. My feelings were so strong because I find real life very compelling (and you must feel the same way too, because here you are, reading my blog and we might not even know each other!)

I’ve been there for the highs (the first Survivor) and I’ve been there for the lows (Temptation Island, Joe Millionaire, The Swan). During all of my bouts with reality TV, I found that VH1 and all of its pathetically low-brow programming is right up my alley. My first taste of it came with Flavor of Love and its first season. Who can forget the girl who shit her pants during the very first elimination ("elimination".  GET IT?)?  I mean, COME ON PEOPLE. This shit (literally) is some compelling television! I imagine the humiliation of fighting over Flavor Flav pales in comparison to actually letting loose a trail of runny poops through a mansion DURING the elimination ceremony WHILE you’re fighting over Flavor Flav.

VH1 has also brought us such gems as Rock of Love, starring Bret Michaels of the rock band, Poison (which is a rocker-big-boobed-drunken-blonde version of Flavor of Love); I Love New York (New York was a broken-hearted reject from Flavor of Love who says she is the H.B.I.C. (Head Bitch in Charge) and she’s 100% ghetto-fabulous); I Love Money; Charm School; and Hogan Knows Best. All excellent escapism television, loved because I don’t have to think about anything while watching.

My newest favorite is Tool Academy 2. LOOK AT THESE GUYS.  DOUCHEBAGS, RIGHT?  The premise of this fine program is girlfriends bring their boyfriends to Tool Academy because these guys are classic douchebags. Initially, they think they’re all competing to be in some Mr. Wonderful contest or something, so the first show is excellent in showcasing their douche-iest behavior. Once they find out the real reason they are there, Tool Academy is a combination of couples therapy and couples challenges, where the douches all work on certain qualities each week, such as “Fidelity”, “Appreciation”, and “Romance”. The douche/tool who gets eliminated each week then has to go face his girlfriend, and she decides whether to break up with him or not.

Last Sunday’s episode made me fall head over heels for this train wreck of a television show. The men on this show are the douchiest, most obnoxious bunch of boys I’ve ever had the pleasure to watch. My favorite (read: the guy I hate the most) got eliminated this week, which made me happy (read: sad) a little inside because I know he would have provided hours more entertainment. His name on the show was “Manscape Tool” (did I mention the brilliant producers of this show give all of the guys nicknames? Anyother favorite name is “Hillbilly Tool”. Good stuff here people.)

The challenge on Sunday’s show centered around “Appreciation”. Manscape Tool got the boot because he couldn’t muster enough any emotion at the fake funeral they staged for his girlfriend (who “died” of a broken heart, y’all, because her meanie of a boyfriend didn’t appreciate her enough) AND then when the girls got set up to go off on “dates” with "real gentlemen" dressed in suits while the boyfriends got to watch their dates on TV, Manscape Tool basically started running through the house like a wild boar and ended up out on the grounds of this mansion they are all staying at, telling the producers he wanted his girlfriend kicked off the show because she’s a whore. Even though all she did was have dinner with the "gentleman".  Tell me you’re not riveted now. Please. Tell. Me.

<----- Manscape Tool (Ladies, how can we resist him??)  Right before he got eliminated, they show a clip of his girlfriend saying that if he gets kicked off this week, she’s breaking up with him. Riiiiiiiigt, honey. (I was secretly hoping she would though, but one thing I've learned from these shows is the producers take you in one direction, when really the ending goes in another direction, therefore, SURPRISING you.) Manscape Tool gets the boot, and comes outside to see his girlfriend. At this point, he starts telling her how much he loves her, how much “everything” is going to change when they get home, and he even tries to squirt a few for effect. Of course, his even-bigger-tool of a girlfriend takes him back and they ride off in the limo together.

Roll credits.
Delicious.