That Fucking Fucker Should Go Fuck Himself

A reader of mine, Tennyson ee Hemingway, at andy warhol goes shopping, recently wrote a post about swear words. His post got me thinking about my own love affair with swear words and has inspired my very own post.

In my mind, I have different levels of swear words, similar to the varying rings of Hell in Dante’s “Inferno”. At the bottom of the pit, would be those words that are the worst. “Cunt” falls into this category. I rarely use this word. Not that I don’t enjoy using it, don’t get me wrong. And I particularly love using it in the quote I stole from an episode of “The Sopranos” where Pauly is telling Christopher to stop acting so “cunty” – which is funny all in itself considering Christopher is a man. I really don’t use it all that much, unless I’m really trying to make a point – or trying to describe my loathing of a particular person or thing.

Next, we have those words that I think should only be used in the bedroom. You can probably guess what these are – “pussy”, “dick” and “cock”. I am not comfortable using these words outside of the bedroom – and am really not all the comfortable using them IN the bedroom, to be honest with all of you. I rarely talk in the bedroom at all, much to Husband’s chagrin. The reason why I'm not a "talker" is because I’m concentrating too hard on what I’m doing, and really don’t feel like sex is a conversational activity. But I digress here (is this TMI?)….and I guess I have used the word “dickbag” in the outside-the-bedroom world, but that’s very close to “douchebag” and I don’t consider it a “swear word”. I mean using the word “dick” to describe the penis. Not as an insult. There is an exception to this rule: I have often used the phrase “I was left with my dick in my hand” or the variation, “I hope he/she doesn’t leave me with my dick in my hand” used to describe those instances where someone has or is going to fuck me over. In that phrase, I am comfortable using “dick”.

After this second ring of Swearing, comes the following tier – where the word “fuck” sits all by its lonesome. This word deserves a tier all on its own, because frankly, there is no other swear word like it. It can be used to describe a noun-person (fucker), an verb-activity (fucking), or an adverb-description (the fucking fucker). Fuck is my very favorite swear word because of it’s versatility. I would probably also put “motherfucker” on this tier. I love using that form of “fuck” – because it goes from ultimate harshness in “motherfucker!” to something funny when said as “muthafuckaaaaa!”

Next tier is saved for “shit” and “piss”. Funny that both words are used to describe bodily functions. “Shit” is relatively versatile, but not as versatile as “fuck” so that’s why it is on this next tier. “Shit” also comes a close second to fuck in my usage – although it doesn’t have quite the same sting as “fuck” does. As an example, I wouldn’t be embarrassed to say “shit” in front of old Christian ladies, but I’d probably be a little blushed to say “fuck” in front of them. Of course, it depends on the context. Saying, “I gotta take a shit” is the most embarrassing form of this word – one that I’d never say to a group of Christian ladies (or any other person on the face of the Earth) anyway.

The final tier is saved for those swear words that seem to be OK to say on American television. Those are “ass” and “hell”. Neither is very brutal in the forms in which you can use it, except maybe “asshole”, which I would sandwich into the tiers between this one and the one above it. Like one of my friends said – when you are going from “ass” to “asshole” you’re moving from “something fleshy and soft to something smelly and rank.” Well said.

Of course, there are many more words not included in my tier system. “Twat” is one of those words. I find it just so vile that I want to pretend it doesn’t exist. I once heard my mother use “twat” in a sentence, and I have forever been scarred for life. Best part is that it happened only a couple of years ago. You can imagine my horror.

So what are you favorite swear words?