Rants About Stupid Men (Keep it in your pants, fellas!)

Happy Groundhog’s Day, y’all! Punxsutawney Phil has predicted 6 more weeks of winter. That doesn’t sound so bad, does it? I haven’t gone off on my rant about how I hate winter this year, so I guess it’s been a better year weather-wise. But just because I haven’t gone off on my I hate winter rant, doesn’t mean I don’t have plenty-o-rants to go around…

John Edwards. SERIOUSLY, JOHN? Not only do you have an affair on your wife while you are running for President, you have an affair on your wife who is battling STAGE 4 CANCER. And not only do you cheat on your DYING WIFE, you are fucking your videographer who is making a CAMPAIGN DOCUMENTARY. And not only are you fucking your videographer who is making your PRESIDENTIAL campaign documentary, you GET HER PREGNANT. And not only do you get your presidential campaign videographer pregnant, you try to keep her quiet with money paid to her from your PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN FUNDS. And not only do you get your campaign videographer pregnant and pay her off with campaign funds, while your wife of THIRTY YEARS is battling STAGE FOUR CANCER, you then DENY you’re the father of her baby. And not only do you deny you’re the father of her baby, you get someone in your campaign staff to LIE and say HE’S THE BABY-DADDY. And folks, just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse – now the news has reported there could be a possible JOHN EDWARDS SEX TAPE. HOLY-FUCKING-CHRIST. My head about exploded with that news. I mean, thank GOD this man never made it to the White House, because he OBVIOUSLY has a problem making any sort of WISE DECISIONS. He cheats on his dying wife, he doesn’t practice safe sex, he lies about paternity (which we all know can be solved with a quick trip to “The Maury Show”), he gets someone in his inner-circle to lie for him about PATERNITY, and THEN MAKES A SEX TAPE TOO? Honestly. I’m reeling over the fucked-up-ed-ness of the whole thing. I can understand trying to cover your ass through this whole ordeal and trying to backtrack and do damage control, but COME ON. Some days it’s just better to come clean and move on.

Tiger Woods. I’ve refrained from ranting about Tiger in this blog, because, really, what could I say that hasn’t been said by others in a funnier way? But c’mon, Tiger. Last I heard, the count of his ladies is now at 19. REALLY, TIGER? You wife is a hot piece of ass and you can’t be a little more discreet? NINETEEN WOMEN? Fucking-A. I could probably forgive one or two. But NINETEEN? If Elin goes back to him, you know that bitch is only doing it for the cash. And frankly, I can’t blame her. I hope she spends it like a motherfucker.  The best part of this whole scandal for me, was when Tiger said (in a text message to one of his Ladies) that he was so irresistable because he was "blasian".  I fucking died.  It was all too delicious.

And all you guys out there -- don't worry.  I'm not picking on your gender (even though it probably feels like it).  I am already working on my "Rants About Stupid Chicks" as I write this.  (Well, not really, but I thought if I said so it would make you feel better and make me look less like a man-hater.  Which I'm not.  Really.)