More Things I Just Don't Get

I know you're dying for more...

1. The Twilight series. Yes, I read all of them. And was severely disappointed. Besides the goopy-lovey-dovey crap that these novels are filled to the brim with -- much to my chagrin and disappointment -- if you're going to tell a love story, the characters need to get it on. Not to be crass or anything (and I fully understand this was a story about a girl who was in high school) but seriously. I don’t want to hear about about true love without hearing about how awesome the sex is. I don’t care what you say – sex and love compliment each other -- Is it just me??? These books don't have nuthin' on the Sookie Stackhouse series that HBO's TrueBlood is based on. If you want vampires, vampire lust and vampire sex....combined with really fun and interesting characters (which is really the most important part, isn’t it?), don't waste your time with Twilight and got get the first Sookie novel, Dead until Dark.

2. Octo-mom. Ok, I realize that it’s medically amazing to carry and then give birth to EIGHT babies, but after learning about what a nut this woman is – it’s time for the media to just shut off the cameras and forget about her. It’s obvious to me she loves the media attention (and Angelina Jolie). I don’t think her craziness deserves to be rewarded, so we all need to start tuning out on this one-way ticket to insanity. Side note: Howard Stern played a 911 call Octo-mom made in 2008 because she couldn't find one of her kids (the kid was with her mom out for a walk, but because she has so many kids, she didn't realized this???) The call proved two things: this woman is an attention-whore (you really have to hear the call -- I think it's on TMZ if you want to check it out for yourself) and that she shouldn't have so many children. One of them is bound to get lost or misplaced or something for real next time.

3. Rush Limbaugh. I was reminded yesterday how much I can’t stand Rush Limbaugh when Howard Stern was playing some recent clips for some talk that Rush gave. And it’s not that I don’t get the fact hat he’s a conservative, because, OK fine, everyone is certainly entitled to their own political opinion. But what I don’t understand is how people can actually think he makes any sense. An example: he compared wanting President Obama to fail to wanting the Cardinals to lose in the Super Bowl. He compared our country’s policies to a fucking football game. I’m sorry – if President Obama and his policies fail, we ALL lose. It’s not like someone gets to run in the middle of the field with a trophy if the economic stimulus, tax plan and universal healthcare fail. I’m not saying you have to agree with everything the President does or says – all I am saying is that wanting the President to succeed means wanting the country to succeed. Plain and simple. The analogy that Rush made makes so sense whatsoever. Even when Bush was President I still wanted him to be a successful President. Rush also tried to say that it was OK that he said he wanted President Obama to fail because liberals have said they wanted to war in Iraq to fail. Again, that’s a misstatement. No one wanted the war to fail – they just said they wanted it to end and for the troops to come home. Rush Limbaugh is such a turd.

4. Oreo cookies. While cookies and cream is one of my all-time favorite ice cream flavors, I really don’t like eating Oreo cookies by themselves. I hate the white stuff in the middle because it reminds me of lard. Lard mixed with sugar. Admit that your tongue gets some weird coating when you eat it – you know it does. And the double-stuff Oreos are double-gross.

5. Marilyn Manson. I was reading Us or People (it doesn’t matter which) and it was saying that Evan Rachel Wood is back together with Marilyn Manson. I don’t know how he continues to get seemingly “normal” (and I use the phrase loosely, because it’s obvious that if you’re with him you’ve got a few screws loose) women. I remember reading Jenna Jamison’s book, How to Make Love Like a Porn Star, and she had been with him. She said it was strange and weird. YOU DON’T SAY. Like I didn’t see that coming from a mile away. I’m sorry, but money and fame only goes so far. There are P-L-E-N-T-Y of single men in Hollywood or the music industry that these beautiful women could latch on to – why MM? Could you imagine having sex with him and him looking at you with those creepy contacts in his eyes? You know he wears them and doesn’t get all normal at home. I’m sure he’s Marilyn Manson 24-7.

6. Katie Holmes-Tom Cruise. Doesn’t Katie Holmes look like the most miserable person on Earth? Her hair keeps getting shorter and shorter and the dark circles under her eyes get darker and darker. Remember when they first started dating and she glowed? It was like she had a permanent smile on her face – she was lost in the delirium of Tom Cruise. Now, even when she smiles at her kid her eyes look empty. I wonder what’s up with that? And she’s aged 10 years for sure. Yikes. Be careful what you wish for.

7. NASCAR. I don’t understand where the excitement exists in watching race cars go around a track 500 times? The only truly edge-of-your-seat moments are when there is a crash, and even I don’t want to see someone die for the sake of few moments of excitement. Although, I will say that Talladega Nights: The Tale of Ricky Bobby starring Will Ferrell was hilarious.

8. Wicked (the novel, not the broadway play). I suffered through about 90% of this book before I finally gave up and stopped giving a shit. Overall, the story is interesting enough – it’s the story of the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz from when she was born until…well, until sometime into adulthood (since I gave up on it…who knows). My problem with the book is that there were way too many made-up places and made-up names (which may not make sense to you if you haven’t read it) -- it was difficult to piece it all together. It was like reading a foreign language without the translation dictionary. I am sure the actual story could have been told in some familiar language in half the amount of pages. The author acted like he was paid by the page (maybe he was!)

9. Beer. It tastes like shit. Or piss. Or both. I don't know how anyone can even drink it without gagging.

10. The "good" toilet paper. I don't understand why people pay more money for the really soft toilet paper. First of all, it sticks to your wet butt half the time and no one wants to have TP stuck all in the crevices of their nether-regions, do they? Second, it's only actually touching your body for like 0.0000000001 of a second, so who cares if it doesn't feel like a pillow rubbing your ass? Grow some balls, people. Scott Tissue is good enough for me and I don't need the extra "pockets" or for it to be "quilted" before I'll use it. It's a waste of money....you're LITERALLY WIPING YOUR ASS WITH IT! Spend your money on something worthwhile, like the Puffs Pluss Kleenex! That's definitely worth the money especially when you have a cold and have to blow your nose 100,000 times...who's with me on this one???