Monday, August 27, 2012

Grammar Lesson of the Week*

*Today's lesson is regarding the pronunciation of some of the wonderful words found in our language, and is not necessarily related to a definite grammar rule.
1)  Specific.  Say it with me, "SPA-SI-FICK".  Specific.  The definition of which is "definite or exact."  It's not pronounced "pacific", like in the Pacific Ocean.  There is a "S" before the "pacific" part of the word.
2)  Sword.  Say it with me, "S-ORD".  Sword.  The "W" is silent.  And you should be too, if you're going to pronounce the "W".  You look like a dipshit.

3)  Salmon.  Say it with me, "SAM-MON".  Salmon.  Like "sword", this word has a silent letter.  It's not "SAL-MON" it's "SAM-MON".  Is English your first language?  Because if it is, you should know better, or at the very least, get out the fucking dictionary and learn to pronounce words properly.
4)  Escape.  Say it with me, "ES-CAPE".  Escape.  It's not "EX-cape".  There's no "ex" sound in it.  Please take an English class if you keep misprouncing these words.  Please for the love of everything that is holy.
And for #5, we have one that is near and dear to my heart:
Alzheimer's.  Say it with me, people:  "ALLS-HEIMERS".  Not "al-timers" or any other butchering of this word.  It is near and dear to my heart because my mother mispronounces this word EVERY CHANCE SHE GETS.  I've even corrected her numerous times.  And when I say "numerous" I mean more than I can count, and she CONTINUES TO MISPRONOUNCE THIS MOTHER-FUCKING WORD.  Am I bothered by it?  What do you think?

Thursday, August 23, 2012

A Day in the Life...

The Beatles Rock, Y'all.
I don't know what to write about today.  Yesterday, I had the mental brewings of a really kickass blog post.  I mean, it was off-the-chain hilarious.  Think I remember what it was about?  NOPE.  I hate when my brain farts are detrimental to my blog.  I usually would write myself a little note in my iPhone to remind myself, but thinking this blog post was uber-hilarious...I thought I'd remember.  THINK AGAIN, GIRL.

What you're going to get instead of my rolling-on-the-floor hilarity, is musing about my day today.  As I sit here writing to you, I'm watching one of my favorite afternoon-junkfood TV shows, "Maury".  Why do I love Maury Povich and his show so much?  Because honestly -- it's the same shit everyday.  Lie detectors and DNA tests.  Day after day, show after show, as time marches on.  I think the reason I love it so much must obviously be because I enjoy the drama, and I enjoy all the "tsk, tsk-ing" and shaking my head.  I wonder what that says about me?

"In the case of 4-month-old Damian, Richard, you are NOT the father!"
Earlier today, I ran a few errands and did a little school shopping for Daughter.  I didn't take her with me, because I'd rather whip through the store and have her try everything on at home than have to listen to her bitching at the store itself.  She hates clothes shopping.  I often wonder how she can be my child, becuase in addition to my LOVE AFFAIR with shopping, the child also hates chocolate everything. Chocolate candy, chocolate milk, chocolate-chip cookies.  Seriously?  If I hadn't actually given birth to her, I'd wonder how we were even related.
This is how I feel about chocolate-chip cookies sometimes.
I also had an appointment today with a company who offers virtual offices.  As a solo attorney, I work from home but have a UPS box for my "business" address, because there are too many crazies in the world and I don't need any of them showing up on my front porch.  I'm really excited about this virtual office, because they also offer a service where you can have a person answer your telephone, giving me a receptionist along with the beautiful office building I could use to meet clients.  I just have a few more things to think about before signing on the dotted line -- but I will have a decision made soon because my UPS box will be expiring in the first week of September. 

If Milton was included in the virtual office package, I'd have signed up on the spot.
I still have a nice chunk of my day left, but overall, I think it's been a productive day.  Although, when I look around the homestead, it doesn't reflect this at all.  This poor house is in desperate need of a good cleaning and I'd rather slit my wrists and bleed out in my bathtub than clean.  Ok, maybe not that drastic, but pretty damn close.  I'm sure Husband is going to be riding my ass like a pony at a fair if I don't get on top of the vacuuming, dusting, dishes, etc. STAT.  Dammit.

Monday, August 20, 2012

My Obsessions This Week

1)  Adam Levine.  Now before you get all "he's a douche" on me -- I also think this.  I really don't like him as a person, considering everything I've heard about him in the press.  He seems conceited, arrogant, and in a much-ado-about-nothing, he's not even THAT attractive.  At least not in a dreamy, Simon Baker sort of way.  But I love his voice.  That's my problem this week.  I've seen Maroon 5 in concert and I love their music (don't hate).  I love Adam Levine's voice, and think he writes songs that are sexy.  UGH. 

2)  Shopping on QVC.  QVC is my goddam downfall.  Everytime I switch that fucking channel on, I buy something.  I have a love-hate relationship with buying items on QVC.  I love it because of the things I've purchased, most of them are fabulous.  I hate it because considering the shipping costs, I don't think shopping through my television is the most cost-effective way to shop.  BUT IT'S SO CONVENIENT.  Damn you, QVC (and your cheap-slutty-sister, HSN.)

3)  Being unfriended on Facebook.  In the last week, I've realized that two of my "friends" unfriended me on Facebook.  Thinking about the friendships (one was someone who I knew in high school and the other was someone I used to work with) -- the only reason I can think that I was unfriended is because I am a liberal Democrat.  Both of these "friends" are conservative, and one for sure, is a Republican (based on her support for Scott Brown in Wisconsin, where she lives).  Neither of these people were particularly close to me, but I'm still offended by the unfriending.  I mean, I consider myself an open-minded person, and therefore, I put up with posts on Facebook that I do not agree with.  I believe in freedom of speech, even if it means some shithead is posting about their love of all things Mitt Romney (or Sarah Palin, or Newt, or whoever).  I guess I shouldn't be surprised by some tight-ass Republican is so offended by my posts that they passive-agressively unfriended me, but I am.  *sigh*  Maybe now that I talked about it, I will be less offended.

4)  Being motivated.  Or I should say, my obession this week is my lack of motivation.  I'm trying to push myself to muster up all the motivation I can to want to get more clients, but I'm feeling very lazy and am finding it so difficult to even WANT to do something.  I am blaming this on the fact that it is summertime, and that I've been focusing on spending time with Daughter, but seriously.  She starts school in two weeks and I best be getting my shit together in a MAJOR WAY otherwise, Husband is going to be riding my ass like you wouldn't believe. 

So what are your obsessions this week?

Monday, August 13, 2012

Happy Birthday to Me

Another year has come and gone.  Hip-hip-hooray!  Yesterday was my latest-and-not-the-greatest birthday, but it was still a birthday, nonetheless.

It is pretentious that I am wishing myself a "Happy Birthday"?  That was a rhetorical question, but if you answered "yes", then you can stick it, mainly because it's my blog, and if I want to toot my own horn, dammit...TOOT TOOT!
In case you're wondering what I did for my birthday, I really didn't do much of anything.  I asked Husband for a puppy for my Birthday -- and if I sound like a 10-year-old asking for a puppy, again, you can stick it because I'm dying for a pet.  Specifically, I asked for a dauschund.  I'm dying to be a dauschund owner.  See that puppy right there?  He's the one I want, and I would name him August (yes, I have a name picked out.)  Don't judge me.  I have been fantasizing about this damn dog for a long time.

Mainly, what I did for my birthday was spend time with Daughter and Husband.  We went out to eat and had some laughs.  It was a perfectly lovely day.  I appreciated the time I got to spend with my family, and was thankful I saw another year come and go.

As far as presents?  Well, I didn't really get a gift from Husband -- we were supposed to go to the mall at some point in the day, since he told me we could go and I could "buy whatever I wanted".  But a nap called my name yesterday afternoon, and the mall closed at 6:00 p.m.  Which mean that today -- I went to the mall and bought whatever I wanted...which ended up being a beautiful Coach purse and matching wallet.  In case you didn't know, I love, love, LOVE, purses and specifically, Coach purses.  So I added a new baby to my collection.  She's a beauty, too.  Can't wait for Fall so I can break out the new purse.  Ooohhh, la, la!

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Rants, Rants, and More Rants

Ok, before I go on this little rant, I will qualify it by saying I really love my daughter.  She has provided me with so many happy moments, so many that I can't even count them.  However, as much as I love her, she annoys the fuck out of me sometimes.  And for your reading enjoyment, here are some of those times (along with other annoying things):

1)  When she leaves the cap off the toothpaste EVERY FUCKING DAY.  I have to constantly remind her to put the cap back on.  Every goddam day, there is the little white cap on the bathroom counter, almost mocking me.  You might tell me to buy a flip-top tube of toothpaste to solve this problem, however, she would leave the flip-top flipped up, thus not solving my original issue with leaving the cap off....which is, there are a billion fucking germs in the bathroom and if I can avoid a few of those germs by replacing the cap, by all means, I'm going to replace the cap.  Nevermind all of the hair and whatever else tidbits there are to get stuck on the toothpaste when the cap is off.  Fuckin' A.  Put the cap on.

2)  When she is getting ready to go to bed and goes pee for the final time, she takes off her clothes and leaves them on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet.  WHAT THE FUCK?  Again, I have to remind her to pick them up.  This grates me fucking nerves like you wouldn't believe.  It's just a simple matter of picking up after yourself.  I mean, I'm not exactly OCD about keeping my house clean, but I certainly don't leave clothes all over the goddam house.

3)  How my daughter doesn't care what her hair looks like.  She keeps her hair long, like down the middle of her back.  She doesn't want to cut it and likes having long hair.  You'd think that because this the case, she'd take a brush to it once in a while.  But, nope.  I send her off to school or wherever, and when she comes home, it looks like she rolled around on the ground a few times or stuck her hair in a light socket.  I know I shouldn't care as much as I do, but sonafabitch.  I don't want her looking like a homeless child.  Brush your goddam hair and give a fuck once in a while.  Because if you don't, I'm going to have someone cut it short and then it won't matter (I wouldn't do this, but don't think I haven't thought about it.)

And finally, just when you think that the only person in my house that annoys me is my child, here's a little rant about the Husband:

4)  When my husband takes off his socks for the day, he leaves them balled up in a little ball instead of keeping them puffed out (or whatever you call it).  Like each individual sock is its own ball.  I get so irritated when I do the laundry and there are all these little sock balls that never really get clean.  It's gross and it's annoying.  Take the half a second and make sure your socks are right-side-in and fully stretched out.  Unless you don't care about clean socks.  Then by all means, continue to ball them up. 

Thank you for letting me get this off my chest.  Between sock balls and orphaned toothpaste caps, I think I'm going to blow a nut around here sometimes.  I know I shouldn't "sweat the small stuff" but seriously.  It's the small stuff that makes me crazy.

Thursday, August 09, 2012

Grammar Lesson of the Week

This week's grammar lesson concerns the difference between their, there, and they're.  I was reminded of this little problem when viewing the status of one of my friends on Facebook:

"I love the commercial that tells me how great england national healthcare is. then you find out it is the U.S.A. sending them there. quipment. to help save the preemie babies. if we get rid of our healthcare who is going to send us quipment. just saying"

Now, besides the obvious spelling errors ("quipment"), and the error of not capitalizing "england", my friend here (who, by the way, is a 42-year-old man) is trying to say the USA is sending equipment to England to help save the English preemie babies.  As you can see, he says "then you find out it is the U.S.A. sending them there quipment", when he really means THEIR EQUIPMENT.

Here are the proper definitions of there, their, and they're:

There (adverb):  in or on that place (such as "over there")
Their (adjective):  of or relating to them or themselves especially as possessors, agents, or objects of an action (such as "their furniture" or THEIR EQUIPMENT)
They're:  this is a contraction of "they are"

You're welcome.  Now, if only I could help my friend on Facebook from further humiliation in his grammar and spelling.  I would kill him if he was my husband (even though I'm sure he's a nice person).  Especially considering English is his FIRST FUCKING LANGUAGE.

Thursday, August 02, 2012

Grammar Lesson of the Week

I was an English major in college.  Therefore, grammar (and its brother, correct spelling) are very important to me.  Recently, I was reminded of one of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to grammar:  the possessive apostrophe.  It is a relatively simple rule, but I believe it is mystifying to many, many people.

When showing a possessive form of a singular noun, it is proper to use an apostrophe before the "s". 


Michael's car (not Michaels car, or Michaels' car)
a hard day's work
the basket's handle


Whenever I see mistakes like the ones above, I die a little inside.  Now, go forth and use apostrophes appropriately!  You're welcome.  

My Obsessions This Week

Here are just a few things that have been obsessed with this week:

1)  Simon Baker and "The Mentalist".  I have only just recently discovered this TV show due to some serious marathons on TNT.  About 3 times a week, "The Mentalist" is on TNT for HOURS.  I not only love the show, I am in love with Simon Baker and his adorable curly blonde locks AND his great smile.  I mean seriously, how fucking cute is he????

2)   For my sandwiches, I love, love love, Marconi's HOT Giardiniera.  It's a mixture of peppers, carrots, cauliflower, celery, and only God knows what else.  It sets my mouth on fire, but I've put it on the 6 sandwiches I've eaten in the last few days and I swear I've eaten half the jar.  So good.  The downside of loving this sandwich topping (actually, it's probably more of a submarine sandwich topping, but whatever) is that I can only find the "hot" version at one local store and half the time when I shop there, they are out of it.  Which means everytime I see it, I buy at least 2 jars, because --heaven forbid-- I'm caught without some in my refridgerator.

3)  Detroit Tigers baseball, namely Miguel Cabrera.  "Who's Your Tiger?"  Fucking Miguel Cabrera is, that's who.  And I'm not alone, I'm sure.  This guy is amazing.  Sometimes he's the only good thing to watch in the game, although, I must admit, the Tigers are doing pretty good as of late (except for that last stretch of games with Boston, but I digress).  And Miguel Cabrera is one of the many reasons why they are doing well.  Go Miggy, Go Miggy!

4)  Things I am sick of hearing about this week:  Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson; Ryan Lochte (I mean he ain't THAT cute, y'all); Michael Jackson's family's family fued (can anyone say "cray cray"?); everyone complaining about the weather (look, it's summertime and it's hot.  I realize that the temperatures are insane, but I would take a 99-degree day over 12-inches of snow.  And this is from someone who's last electric bill was $560.01.) 

What are you obsessed with this week?  Or tired of hearing about?