Friday, November 27, 2009

Thanksgiving and Birthday Wishes

My good friend IRL (that's "In Real Life" for all you not in the know) Kim, from A Perfectly Cursed Life has given me an award, y'all! It's the award she started last year in honor of the Thanksgiving season, and it's the "Thanks for Blogging" Award. Ain't she sweet for including me? Yeah, I thought so.  And, unfortunately, I can't get to her blog because I keep getting an error (over and over) so please forgive me for not posting the award itself.  In receiving the award, I'm supposed to thank some of my fellow bloggers for here goes:

Like Kim, I have to thank LiLu at Live It, Love It for blogging.  Her blog has make me laugh out loud on many an occassion, and I'd really be lost without her.  She makes me want to go to Washington, DC and start stalking her and make her be friends with me.  When I say "stalking", I mean it in the most harmless way possible.

I would laso like to to thank Lisa from Lemon Gloria.  She is also someone who makes me laugh out loud on a regular basis, and I also get to relive those days from when I was a new mommy through her blog.  Not that I necessarily want to relive those days, but it's a nice reminder sometimes.

Thank you also goes out to Sass at Hot Piece of Sass.  She's hilarious and another blogger who makes me LOL.  I find myself wishing she'd just spend all of her time blogging because I love reading her blog that much.

I want to thank mysterg, at Meditations in an Emergency even though w may not always see eye-to-eye.  No matter what, he's still a good read.

And lastly, I want to thank my two favorite thought-provokers.  Is that a word?  It is now, y'all.  First, there's Tennyson at andy warhol goes shopping and then Dr. Jay at Yoga for Cynics.  Both of these blogs give me cause to think quite often, even though their writing styles are both very different.  I like reading their blogs because I like to take the old noodle out for a spin once in a while, and can't spend ALL my time laughing a baby poop and adult fart jokes.  Although, trust me, that is quite an excellent way to spend my time, in my humble opinion...


Getting this award got me thinking about my Thanksgiving topic this year. I have been mulling it around in my head for the past week or so.  Funny enough, this year, Daughter's birthday feel on Thanksgiving, and she's the one thing in this world I am most thankful for.  (Sorry for the late post!) 

If you care to read last years' birthday post about the day Daughter came into this world, click here.  Otherwise, just read about all the reasons I'm so thankful for her.

I'm thankful she is healthy.
I'm thankful that I got to be her mother.
I'm thankful that when I'm having a shitty day and she knows about it, she offers hugs and kisses.
I'm thankful she has a wicked sense of humor and fully understands the meaning of sarcasm.
I'm thankful that I have someone to share fart jokes with -- and who will laugh harder than me at them.
I'm thankful she still has her childhood innocence intact and hasn't been jaded by the world yet.
I'm thankful she still believes in Santa Claus.
And the Tooth Fairy.
I'm thankful that she doesn't care about money, and only cares about love.
I'm thankful she speaks her mind and doesn't censor herself yet.
I'm thankful she is sensitive and kind to others.

Happy 7th Birthday (yesterday) to my baby girl.  She's the one light in my life that keeps me grounded and sane.  xoxoxo

Monday, November 23, 2009

Soon To Be Living Life On The Dole

Goddammit. I noticed that my last blog post was on November 13, and now, 10 days later, I haven’t posted. Well, technically, this is a post, but you must realize that I had the thought about not posting before I posted.

If you’re still with me after that doozie of a sentence, I am writing to say that I haven’t written because I haven’t felt all that inspired to do so. A lot has changed in the last 10 days, and so the perpetual black cloud that seems to hide behind every corner is back, ready to take a nice, steaming shit all over my mood. To catch you up –

Riding the high of passing the Bar exam sure didn’t last very long. I found out last Monday that I am once again, losing my job. My last day at this job is November 23. MERRY CHRISTMAS! Welcome to Unemployment!

Husband says I should write a thank you note to my current boss, telling her how much I enjoyed working here and whatever happy horseshit I can work into the letter. You know--make it a proper ass-kissing letter. The mood I am in today – here’s how the letter would go:

Dear Boss:

Thank you so much for providing me the opportunity to get my hopes up into thinking that this company could be a place where I could set some roots. You have no idea how much I appreciate knowing that despite the fact that you acted like you wanted to mentor me, saying you wanted to be “like a mentor” apparently means that you were going to shit-can me as soon as possible. 
Thank you also for releasing me from this position just in time for me to “celebrate” the holiday season with my family. I am so glad I am not going to have any money for Christmas presents this year – thankfully, my daughter will think Santa Claus is the asshole for the sparse appearance of Christmas presents and not me (I truly thank you for that!).

I also would like to thank you for all of the constructive criticism you provided me while working here. Since I am leaving, I am going to probably forget everything you said since I will have no where to apply my new knowledge – so basically, you wasted your time (and mine!)

Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to drive 100 miles round trip everyday to a job. I really loved getting to know the City of Livonia and its neighboring cities of Plymouth and Northville. Oh, and nevermind all of the miles I put on my leased vehicle, all of the money I spent on gas, and getting rear-ended a few weeks ago.  Those were bonuses!

Thank you for allowing me to sit on my ass at home while I collect unemployment through the winter (no snowy rush hour drives)!  I know the unemployment checks will be nowhere near what I was making at this job, but at least I will be getting paid for doing nothing – except sleeping in and watching talk shows (especially The Maury Show with its paternity and lie detector tests--WHOOPIE)!  I see that my dedication has been richly rewarded. Just goes to show me that persistence, hard work and dedication ultimately pays off!

Oh one last thing -- here's a big FUCK YOU.  I'm running over to the supply closet right after I type this so I can steal as many highlighters, pens and pencils as my purse will hold.  Tomorrow, I'm bringing a bigger purse.

With Warm Regards,

Friday, November 13, 2009

That Fucking Fucker Should Go Fuck Himself

A reader of mine, Tennyson ee Hemingway, at andy warhol goes shopping, recently wrote a post about swear words. His post got me thinking about my own love affair with swear words and has inspired my very own post.

In my mind, I have different levels of swear words, similar to the varying rings of Hell in Dante’s “Inferno”. At the bottom of the pit, would be those words that are the worst. “Cunt” falls into this category. I rarely use this word. Not that I don’t enjoy using it, don’t get me wrong. And I particularly love using it in the quote I stole from an episode of “The Sopranos” where Pauly is telling Christopher to stop acting so “cunty” – which is funny all in itself considering Christopher is a man. I really don’t use it all that much, unless I’m really trying to make a point – or trying to describe my loathing of a particular person or thing.

Next, we have those words that I think should only be used in the bedroom. You can probably guess what these are – “pussy”, “dick” and “cock”. I am not comfortable using these words outside of the bedroom – and am really not all the comfortable using them IN the bedroom, to be honest with all of you. I rarely talk in the bedroom at all, much to Husband’s chagrin. The reason why I'm not a "talker" is because I’m concentrating too hard on what I’m doing, and really don’t feel like sex is a conversational activity. But I digress here (is this TMI?)….and I guess I have used the word “dickbag” in the outside-the-bedroom world, but that’s very close to “douchebag” and I don’t consider it a “swear word”. I mean using the word “dick” to describe the penis. Not as an insult. There is an exception to this rule: I have often used the phrase “I was left with my dick in my hand” or the variation, “I hope he/she doesn’t leave me with my dick in my hand” used to describe those instances where someone has or is going to fuck me over. In that phrase, I am comfortable using “dick”.

After this second ring of Swearing, comes the following tier – where the word “fuck” sits all by its lonesome. This word deserves a tier all on its own, because frankly, there is no other swear word like it. It can be used to describe a noun-person (fucker), an verb-activity (fucking), or an adverb-description (the fucking fucker). Fuck is my very favorite swear word because of it’s versatility. I would probably also put “motherfucker” on this tier. I love using that form of “fuck” – because it goes from ultimate harshness in “motherfucker!” to something funny when said as “muthafuckaaaaa!”

Next tier is saved for “shit” and “piss”. Funny that both words are used to describe bodily functions. “Shit” is relatively versatile, but not as versatile as “fuck” so that’s why it is on this next tier. “Shit” also comes a close second to fuck in my usage – although it doesn’t have quite the same sting as “fuck” does. As an example, I wouldn’t be embarrassed to say “shit” in front of old Christian ladies, but I’d probably be a little blushed to say “fuck” in front of them. Of course, it depends on the context. Saying, “I gotta take a shit” is the most embarrassing form of this word – one that I’d never say to a group of Christian ladies (or any other person on the face of the Earth) anyway.

The final tier is saved for those swear words that seem to be OK to say on American television. Those are “ass” and “hell”. Neither is very brutal in the forms in which you can use it, except maybe “asshole”, which I would sandwich into the tiers between this one and the one above it. Like one of my friends said – when you are going from “ass” to “asshole” you’re moving from “something fleshy and soft to something smelly and rank.” Well said.

Of course, there are many more words not included in my tier system. “Twat” is one of those words. I find it just so vile that I want to pretend it doesn’t exist. I once heard my mother use “twat” in a sentence, and I have forever been scarred for life. Best part is that it happened only a couple of years ago. You can imagine my horror.

So what are you favorite swear words?

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Black Clouds Over a Kiwi Green SUV

It happened again.

I’ve been involved in another car accident. You may remember last summer’s accident and if not, go ahead and click the link.

And once again, it was not my fault.

I’m beginning to think my cute, kiwi green Mercury Mariner SUV is cursed. Or at least carries a black cloud over its awesome little sunroof. Why, do I think this? Well, here’s a list of the work its had done on it since I leased it 2 ½ years ago:

About 2 months after the start of the lease, I totally caved in the passenger side when I cut too close on a brick retaining wall in a parking lot. Yeah, it was a total blonde moment, and I’m not proud of it. It was in the body shop for a week.

I have a starburst chip on the windshield from a rock that flew up and hit it, about 4 months after leasing it.

Last summer’s accident. It was in the body shop for two weeks and needed an entirely new hood, front bumper and grill. The radiator needed to be replaced.

Yesterday’s accident. I was rear-ended on the freeway. Luckily, as you can see, the damage isn’t bad and no one was hurt. It was more inconvenient than anything else, but I know it’s going to need a new rear bumper. And this morning, I noticed the hatch in the back was dented a bit, so I’m hoping that can just be puffed back out (yes, that’s a technical term).

I suppose I should consider myself lucky. The accident occurred when a woman, driving her SUV wasn’t paying attention and nailed the girl driving in her BRAND NEW Ford Escape SUV, who then in turn, hit me. The girl behind me – her car is FUCKED. She has front-end AND rear-end damage, and I’m pretty sure it was her radiator that was pouring out onto the freeway while we waited for the police to arrive. So, yeah. I could have been in her shoes. I felt bad for her. And thank goodness she didn’t hit me hard enough for me to be launched into the car in front of me, otherwise, I would have been sandwiched too.

I can’t WAIT for this lease to end (May). Then maybe the black cloud will go away!

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Do You Promise To Love And Cherish Each Other As Long As You Both Shall Live?

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:4

Falling in Love is a funny thing, don’t you think? Today is my wedding anniversary, so I am going to do a little reminiscing. Fasten your seat belts! Here we go…

When we were young, love was a white-hot fever. It was something that made me feel like I would explode. Being in love felt like a fierce, maddening passion that would never subside. Sex was urgent and explosive. We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other.

As I grew older, the passion evolved into something different. It wasn’t as white-hot anymore, but it felt stronger, more like the cement hardening on the foundation of a building. My feelings changed, too. Where urgency once lived, comfort found a home.

As time wears on, the history of my relationship continues. Memories serve as reminders of what the past looked like, and gives me hope on what the future will hold. Like a book, the pages are continuously written each day. Pages turning, turning, turning.

Good memories, sad memories, bad memories, happy memories.

My wedding. Husband wiping the tear from my face during our wedding vows. You couldn’t wipe the grins from our faces after it was announced we were married. We were so happy to finally be able to call each other Husband and Wife and begin the next chapter in our lives.

My miscarriage. Husband holding me in our bed the night the miscarriage began. Holding me as I cried, the physical and emotional pain overtaking me. Physical pain subsidizing with a few Vicodin. Trying to take away Emotional Pain by Husband getting me to watch “Caddyshack” so we could laugh. Laughter is the best medicine. Laughter heals everything.

Divorce discussions. 2007 was a very bad year. Not a lot of laughs. But still a compelling chapter in the book.

The birth of my daughter. Waiting for her to take her first breath while I held mine. Waiting to hear the hearty cry of a newborn baby. Husband bitching out the anesthesiologist after he spent a half an hour trying to insert the epidural. I try to remain still even though I’m hunched over my pregnant belly, the contractions are fierce. I am trying to breathe and make the physical pain go away. Chuckling to myself because Husband is losing his shit. He is scared and doesn’t know how to make me feel better. “Caddyshack” is not available at that moment.  But he stills tries to make me laugh, even though during the contractions, all I want to do is punch him in the face.

The fabric of our marriage.  The laughter.  The tears.

We met when I was 17 and he was 18. We were just kids. Twenty-one years later, we are still together. Still together riding the roller-coaster of life. Two kids growing into adults together. We are married. We are homeowners. We are parents. We are partners.  We are friends.  We are enemies (sometimes).  We are "we".

Most of our friends are divorced. Some are divorced and remarried. Some are still single. So far, we have made it through the war. Marriage is not easy. Getting married is very easy. Staying married is not. Every day takes work. Marriage is not something you can coast through on cruise control. Some days you need to press the accelerator, and some days you need to press the brake. But every day you need to start the ignition and make sure there is gas in the tank.  And hopefully along the way, you can smile through it all.

We recently went to a Halloween party. The party was hosted by a couple whose children went to the same daycare center Daughter attended. The daycare center was partially subsidized by Ford Motor Company as an employee benefit. Daughter went there because Husband is a Ford employee. The couple whose house the party was at are both Ford employees. I was friends with the wife, mostly because our children were in the same classroom through much of the first 4 years of their lives. She now works at the same Ford plant as Husband (she is an engineer). They have become friends now. She has shared with Husband how unhappy she is in her marriage. Both Husband and I were at her Halloween party. She told Husband that she watched him and me together and she can really tell how “close” we are. We can still look into each other’s eyes and smile that same smile that was on our faces the day we were married. I told Husband we’re still close because we laugh together no matter where we are. Laughter heals everything.

When I look at Husband (depending on the day) I either want to kill him and bury him in the backyard, or I want to give him a great big hug. My feelings sometimes border on extreme contempt or extreme love. I think these feelings are one of the reasons we are still married. I think apathy would be the true killer of our relationship. I mean, even when I want to kill him it’s because he stirs up enough emotion in me that I’ve thought about burying him in the backyard. That’s passion, n’est pas?   Sometimes in the middle of an argument, one of us cracks a joke.  Most of the time, in any situation, one of us cracks a joke.  We're like that.  Always trying to find the "funny".  Quoting movies.  Quoting comedians.  Laughter is the best medicine.

We’ve laughed together.
We’ve cried together.
We’ve grieved a baby that never made it.
We’ve celebrated a baby that did.
We’ve fought and made up.
We’ve forgiven each other (and sometimes not).
Through all of our ups and downs, we’ve always had each other.

And I have to thank God everyday that he’s funny. Or his ass would have been buried in the backyard years ago.

Monday, November 02, 2009

You May Now Address Me as "Counselor"

My apologies for not posting anything in a while. (Life has been crazy lately.) Here’s a quick update of what’s been going down in my zoo:

1) I PASSED THE BAR EXAM! HIP, HIP, HOOORAY! I got the letter in the mail last Thursday, and have been riding the cloud for several days now. The only thing that has put a damper on things is that I wonder what I’m supposed to do next. I’ve spent so much time focused on passing the bar exam, I never looked past it in any type of meaningful way.

2) Halloween came and went. Daughter was Dorothy for Halloween, just like I had hoped. (WHEW) Gearing up for the big day took a lot of planning, running errands, and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning my house…because my parents and in-laws came to visit and see Daughter in her costume.

3) Work has been pretty busy, and as I’ve mentioned before, I usually only blog at work, so there you go. I try not to get on the computer when I’m home after work, considering how much time I spend on it during the day. It’s just a time-suck and I don’t want to take any time away from family time.

4) I’ve become an addict. I’m addicted to Farmville on Facebook. I knew I would fall prey to it if I started, which is why I’m late to the game (lots of my friends are also Farmville addicts, so I’ve been hearing about it for months now.) I finally gave in to temptation early last week and now I am a farming fool. I even have Daughter addicted to it…she enjoys running my farm and sending my friends gifts (so if you get a weird one, I’m sorry, it’s her not me).

That’s all the big news on my end and explains why I haven’t been around. Blame Farmville and work for most of it…Halloween and the passing the Bar were bonuses for you. I promise to post something worthwhile soon!