I Do Not Understand...

Disclaimer: Sorry if you disagree with my opinions. But you know what they say: opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one. (And mine is better than yours.)

Throughout our relationship, Husband has exposed me to multiple things that I’ve enjoyed. And get your mind out of the gutter, people. I’m not talking about that. No, I mean there are movies and TV shows and books and everything that I would have never really given a chance if it hadn’t been for his enthusiasm about them. A few examples: the Canadian comedy troupe, The Kids in the Hall, the British comedies Father Ted and Keeping Up Appearances, the movie Fletch (and all things Chevy Chase).

However, there are many more things that I just don’t get. I sometimes wonder if I need more testosterone and possibly, a penis, to truly find the fascination in these things. And because I don’t want this to turn into a 40-page blog, I’m only going to blog about two of Husband’s favorite movies -- Blade Runner and Platoon.

Blade Runner is one of Husband’s most favoritest movies of all time. Or I should say, Of All Time. When Ridley Scott released the Director’s Cut of this movie, we had to buy it. I’ve probably seen it at least 15 times (all in his presence). My most recent exposure was last weekend, when it was on the SciFi Channel (newly named “SyFy” which I am hating with every fiber of my being.). Watching it for the 16th time…I still don’t get what all of the hoopla is about. It’s an interesting enough story – Harrison Ford is a cop who is hunting androids (or whatever) who look like people – “replicants” – and he meets Sean Young who is a replicant who doesn’t know she’s a replicant. He falls in love with her and then runs away with her at the end of the movie (because the other cops are after her and they have to leave before she gets killed. Or they both get killed. Or whatever. I guess.) Fade to black. And story goes that when Ridley Scott made the movie, you were supposed to wonder if Harrison Ford was a replicant too, but you know what? The movie doesn’t really answer that, but there are “clues” throughout the movie (and trust me, every one of them has been pointed out to me at least 15, um, 16 times – once for every viewing) and the ending is ambiguous and I hate ambiguous endings (like the ending of The Sopranos. But I digress). And the clues are dumb little shit like the replicants in the movie have a different look to their eyes or something. Fuck you, Ridley Scott…I want my movies tied up with a pretty red bow at the end so I don’t have to spend all eternity wondering about it. Fucking tell a story that has a beginning, a middle and an end. Don’t leave me hanging. Godammit. And don’t make a movie where I am going to have to watch it 300 times in order to get all your little clues and all your mind-fucking bullshit meanings. Is it supposed to be tragic? Science fiction? Tragic science fiction? A romance? Romantic, tragic, science fiction? My brain is going to explode.

I only want to rewatch movies that are funny so I can quote the funny movie lines to my friends. Like in Happy Gilmore where Adam Sandler says to Bob Barker, “The price is wrooooong, Bitch!” Or when Chris Farley does anything in Tommy Boy. See….that shit is hilarious. They're COMEDIES. Definitely worth a rewatch. Or 100.




Another movie favorite of Husband’s is Platoon. Yes, fine, it was one of Oliver Stone’s greatest masterpieces, but it’s not a movie I want to watch repeatedly. It’s sad and horrible and gut-wrenching. My dad is a Vietnam Veteran and it makes me sad that he had to endure the jungles of Vietnam when he was a young man. I will watch it once and be blown away by the awesome greatness of the movie, but for Crissake, I don’t want to sit through 2+ hours again in agony because I’m waiting for Willem Defoe to be killed by Tom Berringer. Why don’t we just cut out the middle-man, save ourselves 2 hours, and ask Oliver Stone to just come over and poke my eyeballs out with a spoon? Or cut off my ears and wear them as a necklace around his neck? I’d be crying -- but at least I’d still have 1 hour and 55 minutes left to do other shit with.

More Things I Just Don't Get

I know you're dying for more...

1. The Twilight series. Yes, I read all of them. And was severely disappointed. Besides the goopy-lovey-dovey crap that these novels are filled to the brim with -- much to my chagrin and disappointment -- if you're going to tell a love story, the characters need to get it on. Not to be crass or anything (and I fully understand this was a story about a girl who was in high school) but seriously. I don’t want to hear about about true love without hearing about how awesome the sex is. I don’t care what you say – sex and love compliment each other -- Is it just me??? These books don't have nuthin' on the Sookie Stackhouse series that HBO's TrueBlood is based on. If you want vampires, vampire lust and vampire sex....combined with really fun and interesting characters (which is really the most important part, isn’t it?), don't waste your time with Twilight and got get the first Sookie novel, Dead until Dark.

2. Octo-mom. Ok, I realize that it’s medically amazing to carry and then give birth to EIGHT babies, but after learning about what a nut this woman is – it’s time for the media to just shut off the cameras and forget about her. It’s obvious to me she loves the media attention (and Angelina Jolie). I don’t think her craziness deserves to be rewarded, so we all need to start tuning out on this one-way ticket to insanity. Side note: Howard Stern played a 911 call Octo-mom made in 2008 because she couldn't find one of her kids (the kid was with her mom out for a walk, but because she has so many kids, she didn't realized this???) The call proved two things: this woman is an attention-whore (you really have to hear the call -- I think it's on TMZ if you want to check it out for yourself) and that she shouldn't have so many children. One of them is bound to get lost or misplaced or something for real next time.

3. Rush Limbaugh. I was reminded yesterday how much I can’t stand Rush Limbaugh when Howard Stern was playing some recent clips for some talk that Rush gave. And it’s not that I don’t get the fact hat he’s a conservative, because, OK fine, everyone is certainly entitled to their own political opinion. But what I don’t understand is how people can actually think he makes any sense. An example: he compared wanting President Obama to fail to wanting the Cardinals to lose in the Super Bowl. He compared our country’s policies to a fucking football game. I’m sorry – if President Obama and his policies fail, we ALL lose. It’s not like someone gets to run in the middle of the field with a trophy if the economic stimulus, tax plan and universal healthcare fail. I’m not saying you have to agree with everything the President does or says – all I am saying is that wanting the President to succeed means wanting the country to succeed. Plain and simple. The analogy that Rush made makes so sense whatsoever. Even when Bush was President I still wanted him to be a successful President. Rush also tried to say that it was OK that he said he wanted President Obama to fail because liberals have said they wanted to war in Iraq to fail. Again, that’s a misstatement. No one wanted the war to fail – they just said they wanted it to end and for the troops to come home. Rush Limbaugh is such a turd.

4. Oreo cookies. While cookies and cream is one of my all-time favorite ice cream flavors, I really don’t like eating Oreo cookies by themselves. I hate the white stuff in the middle because it reminds me of lard. Lard mixed with sugar. Admit that your tongue gets some weird coating when you eat it – you know it does. And the double-stuff Oreos are double-gross.

5. Marilyn Manson. I was reading Us or People (it doesn’t matter which) and it was saying that Evan Rachel Wood is back together with Marilyn Manson. I don’t know how he continues to get seemingly “normal” (and I use the phrase loosely, because it’s obvious that if you’re with him you’ve got a few screws loose) women. I remember reading Jenna Jamison’s book, How to Make Love Like a Porn Star, and she had been with him. She said it was strange and weird. YOU DON’T SAY. Like I didn’t see that coming from a mile away. I’m sorry, but money and fame only goes so far. There are P-L-E-N-T-Y of single men in Hollywood or the music industry that these beautiful women could latch on to – why MM? Could you imagine having sex with him and him looking at you with those creepy contacts in his eyes? You know he wears them and doesn’t get all normal at home. I’m sure he’s Marilyn Manson 24-7.

6. Katie Holmes-Tom Cruise. Doesn’t Katie Holmes look like the most miserable person on Earth? Her hair keeps getting shorter and shorter and the dark circles under her eyes get darker and darker. Remember when they first started dating and she glowed? It was like she had a permanent smile on her face – she was lost in the delirium of Tom Cruise. Now, even when she smiles at her kid her eyes look empty. I wonder what’s up with that? And she’s aged 10 years for sure. Yikes. Be careful what you wish for.

7. NASCAR. I don’t understand where the excitement exists in watching race cars go around a track 500 times? The only truly edge-of-your-seat moments are when there is a crash, and even I don’t want to see someone die for the sake of few moments of excitement. Although, I will say that Talladega Nights: The Tale of Ricky Bobby starring Will Ferrell was hilarious.

8. Wicked (the novel, not the broadway play). I suffered through about 90% of this book before I finally gave up and stopped giving a shit. Overall, the story is interesting enough – it’s the story of the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz from when she was born until…well, until sometime into adulthood (since I gave up on it…who knows). My problem with the book is that there were way too many made-up places and made-up names (which may not make sense to you if you haven’t read it) -- it was difficult to piece it all together. It was like reading a foreign language without the translation dictionary. I am sure the actual story could have been told in some familiar language in half the amount of pages. The author acted like he was paid by the page (maybe he was!)

9. Beer. It tastes like shit. Or piss. Or both. I don't know how anyone can even drink it without gagging.

10. The "good" toilet paper. I don't understand why people pay more money for the really soft toilet paper. First of all, it sticks to your wet butt half the time and no one wants to have TP stuck all in the crevices of their nether-regions, do they? Second, it's only actually touching your body for like 0.0000000001 of a second, so who cares if it doesn't feel like a pillow rubbing your ass? Grow some balls, people. Scott Tissue is good enough for me and I don't need the extra "pockets" or for it to be "quilted" before I'll use it. It's a waste of money....you're LITERALLY WIPING YOUR ASS WITH IT! Spend your money on something worthwhile, like the Puffs Pluss Kleenex! That's definitely worth the money especially when you have a cold and have to blow your nose 100,000 times...who's with me on this one???

Things I Just Don't Get

There are certain things that come along -- whether it be in pop culture, or fashion, or whatever -- when I just don't understand what all of the hubbub is about. Here's my list of ten those things. I may revisit this topic someday, so stay tuned.

1. American Idol. Even from day 1, I was not a regular viewer. And yes, I have tuned in to the audition shows, and to finales, and to just everyday episodes. I just don't get all of the excitement about it, especially considering most of the "winners" are not all that successful. It's a glorified karoke contest, and you know I love me some karoke, so you know I'm not knocking it. And there are talented exceptions like Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson. But seriously, between Ryan Seacrest and Paula just loving everything...I don't get it.

2. Lost. I'm sorry -- I've tried. I even ordered the first season on iTunes, and nearly got through it. I. Just. Don't. Care. Any show where I have to think that hard -- I'm tuning out. You already know I am more into junk TV than into anything substantial. I wish I was a fan so I can take part in all of the chatter about it. But I just don't get it.

3. The iPhone. Those of you out there who have one (and you know who you are) probably think I'm crazy for saying this -- and maybe it's because I don't have one. You know, to understand the craze of the iPhone, maybe I have to own one. But seriously. It was way overpriced to begin with (SUCKERS!) and there's too many stupid applications for it. It's a PHONE, people! It's bad enough I can already check email and go to Facebook from my shitty phone. When I finally do get an iPhone (or a reasonably similar phone) please go ahead an mock me. Until then, I am going to be the mockee.

4. HDTVs. Considering we just purchased a plasma TV, I shouldn't have this on my list. But I am finding it incredibly irritating when ever time we are watching TV, it gets pointed out how "Look! It's in HD!" Big Fucking Deal. The picture is clear and crisp. The colors are more vibrant. WHOOOPIE.

5. Ice Cream Cakes. I hate them because the cake is always frozen solid, and no one ever thaws them out properly. I just don't get the big deal...we just didn't get you a cake for your birthday, we got an ice cream cake! Again, WHOOOPIDIEE-DO.

6. Brad Pitt. I don't understand why women gush about him. I mean, he's good looking and all, but he's just not the end all-be all of male beauty. And his acting is meodicre. The only movie he was in where I was blown away by his performance was Fight Club and it was probably more the story than it was the actual presence of Brad Pitt.

7. Jessica Simpson. Why is this woman a star? Besides the fact that she is beautiful, she can't act or sing. Her music sucks and she's a moron. And for the record, I don't care that she gained a few pounds -- she's not fat. I would kill to be as "fat" as the tabloids say she is. OMG the woman has a figure instead of being a twig. Heaven forbid!

8. The Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, High School Musical (1, 2 and 3). I know I probably have to be 11 years old to truly appreciate the awesomeness of Nick Jonas or Zac Efron...and yes, I know their names (I read Us!) -- but I am so sick of seeing their faces, I want to puke. And did anyone catch The Jonas Brothers on Saturday Night Live a few weeks ago? That one brother (I don't know his name -- maybe he's Nick) but he kept making these faces at the camera and it was so embarassing. I don't know if it was on purpose or what -- but seriously. Start rehearsing in front of the mirror because you look like a douchebag.

9. Gardening. Maybe my mind will change on this one when I'm like 50 years old or something, but I just don't understand why people love to garden. Whether it be food or flowers -- it just seems like a waste of time. And it looks like it's hard on the knees and back. Oh, and it looks like you have to do it in the middle of summer, so anything where I have to get all dirty and sweaty outside in the summer -- um, no thanks.

10. The Super Bowl. I know, you are all gasping in collective horror at this admission of mine. And believe me, I understand sports and football. The part I don't understand is why anyone cares so much about it. If it's not the team from your hometown/state, and the game is not played in your hometown/state, then what the fuck is the big deal? Are you really that emotionally invested in caring about some team from Miami or Pittsburgh or New England THAT MUCH? It's like "Whoo Hooo! The Stealers won the Superbowl!! OMG I'm so happy for them!!" WHY? You know what I think? "The Stealers won the Superbowl? Who Cares!" You know when I'll care? When the Lions make it to the Superbowl. Now that will be a good reason to have a party and get drunk with all your friends.