Thursday, February 25, 2010

Shit On My Mind (a.k.a. I'm Forced To Think About This Stuff Because It's In My Face)

I have this friend on Facebook who is driving me crazy with her recent posts.  Apparently, she has recently received a medical degree (or a subscription to Prevention magazine) because she has been posting little tidbits that have become The Things That Make Me Go Hmmmm...

I don't mean to be an asshole by complaining about these posts.  Actually, I don't particularly care if I do sound like an asshole, because DAMMIT, this is America and this is my blog and I can say whatever the hell I please, right?

So here is a short sampling of the wealth of knowledge she has bestowed upon me (and now you).  Please feel free to share with all of your Facebook family.  I'm guessing someone will enjoy her public service announcements.  Me?  I could do without them.  Or without 500 of them.  Too much of a good thing pisses me off.  I mean, motherfuck.  The following status updates were only from the last TEN HOURS.

"Bananas contain bromelain, an enzyme thought to boost male libido. Don't like bananas? Pineapple is high in this sexy substance, too. (It even helps reduce joint pain.)"  posted 59 minutes ago

"Had my yearly inspection! Now, I need to call & make my mammogram appointment with doctor's orders. Just want to remind everyone... and MAKE SURE EVERYONE GETS THEIR ANNUALS OF EVERYTHING YOU NEED CHECKED ON! MALE & FEMALE!"  posted 3 hours ago

"Asparagus is an aphrodisiac. This delicious veggie is rich in vitamin E—a key nutrient for hormone building. (It's great with olive oil, garlic salt & pepper...put it in some aluminum foil and pop it in the oven or on the grill! I have this all the time.)"  posted 10 hours ago

FACINATING, RIGHT?  And yes, I know I have anger management problems.  Why in the fuck do you think I take medication????  :)

And for the record -- I hate asparagus.  Anything that makes my pee smell like something non-pee-like is not welcomed in my dietary plans. 

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I'm Keeping Up with the Kardashians

OK, fine, are you happy?  I've finally confessed I'm a closeted fan of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians".  There.  I said it.  I feel better now that my secret is out in the open.  So now, let's dish about those wacky Kardashians...

Is it wrong of me to be completely grossed out by Kourtney Kardashian shamelessly wearing the body hugging dress she was wearing? I mean, you could see every bump on her body! Whatever happened to pregnant women wearing shapeless dresses? Honey, we all know you’re pregnant, but DAMN I don’t need to see every curve of your pregnant belly, and every curve of your buttcheeks.

This reminds me – I am also completely grossed out by pregnant bellybuttons that stick WAY out. I’m sorry ladies if you or someone you love had some crazy alien bellybutton when you/they experienced pregnancy. Thank the Lord – I was blessed with an bellybutton that just stretched for 1,000 miles and stayed completely intact.

In another tangent – I have a thing for bellybuttons, so maybe that is why pregnant, extended ones gross me out. I love a male bellybutton set on a fine set of washboard abs – like the ones here on sexy Ryan Reynolds…HOLY SHIT, RIGHT? I actually don’t mind a cute “outie” bellybutton. I only mind them when they stop looking like bellybuttons and start looking like very tiny penises.

So back to the Kardashians. Other things I must confess about this TV show – I think I have a non-sexual crush on Kim Kardashian. She is so BEAUTIFUL – I am in awe whenever I see her and just want to stare at her because I think she is just so darn pretty. Beyond pretty. Beyond beautiful. She’s just simply perfection. I am obsessed with her hair and makeup and outfits. I think part of the reason I tune into the show is just to see her. I even think her mother – Kris Jenner is stunning. It’s just unfair that some people are blessed with the right combination of genes, isn’t it?

And what the hell is wrong with Kourtney’s baby-daddy, Scott? This episode I saw last night – he got rip-roaring drunk and proceeded to make a giant ass out of himself. And when I say “giant-ass out of himself” – I mean an even bigger one than the one he makes out of himself on a daily basis. Way bigger than that. It’s like 10x bigger than that. The show ended with Kourtney changing the locks on her house and locking Scott out. Perfect.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Ranting and Raving

I need to vent, y’all. First, I must qualify this rant by saying, I love my new job. I really do. OK, that being said…

My boss is driving me nuts today. First off, I had to wake up early today (and if you knew me, you’d know I am no where near a “morning person”. I had to wake up early today because I needed to meet my boss, and two other people at the office at 8:50 a.m. and was told NOT TO BE LATE. Don’t you dare be late.

Guess who called me at 8:55 a.m. to tell me she was running late? Yep. My boss. The mission we were on today ended up being delay a motherfucken HOUR because she was late. Which means I didn’t need to get up early and haul my child out of bed early.


Next, we go on our mission. Which ends up taking FOUR HOURS. And one of the other attorneys in the office had to take the client that was coming in to see me today who happened to be a friend of Husband’s. THE ONLY REASON THE MAN WAS COMING TO MY OFFICE WAS TO SEE ME AND I HAD TO HAVE ONE OF MY COLLEGUES TAKE HIS APPOINTMENT BECAUSE MY BOSS WAS TOO BUSY JACKING ALL OF US OFF ON OUR MISSION. I was pissed.

We finally make it back to the office and I have a 2:00 p.m. appointment coming in to sign her divorce documents. The very same divorce documents that I had spent about 3 hours of my time last night after I got home from work writing up, because I knew I wouldn’t have much time today to work on them at the office. THANK GOD I did that because I wouldn’t have had them done. But since I am a new attorney, my boss needs to review them. WHICH SHE HASN’T DONE YET. It’s fucking 2:09 p.m. My appointment is on her way (thankfully, she is a little lost) and I’M FREAKING OUT BECAUSE MY GODDAM DOCUMENTS HAVEN’T BEEN REVIEWED AND MY BOSS ACTS LIKE IT’S NO BIG DEAL. I don’t want to make the client wait. I want to get her out of here ASAP. MOTHER.FUCK.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Thank You to All My Followers....

I just realized that my title sounds like I'm some televangelist or cult leader or something..."my followers"...

Any-WHO, what I really wanted to say was a very humble "Thank you" to all of you who took the time to click that button and "follow" my blog.  When I started writing this, I didn't think anyone but a few close friends would read it.  I didn't think anyone would really give two shits about what I had to say.  And I am not trying to say YOU give two shits either -- but the fact is that you are on my list and at one point in your life, you read the words I wrote.  So...thanks for that.  I feel honored to have you here and I hope I get rid of my writer's block sometime very soon and write some realy witty and hilarious words.  My awe was prompted by the fact that I actually have 30 of you following me.  And only like 3 of you are IRL friends of mine (In Real Life).  I'm also flattered that some of you are international friends.  So thank you, gracias, merci, danke....

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

I Can't Resist...

Remember I posted about Gary Coleman the other day?  Well, seems I just ran across his mug shot the other day, and seriously....YIKES.  Dude is S-C-A-R-Y.  What happened it that cute, little cherub who said things like, "What you talkin' about, Willis?"  I miss that Gary Coleman.  He needs to embrace the fact that everyone remembers him as a child (typecast) and just run with it.  For Chrissake.  I'll never be famous.  I'd love it if all of America remembered me as some cute, chubby-cheeked little angel.  Wouldn't you?

<---------Gary Now

Gary Then ------------------------->


Rants About Stupid Men (Keep it in your pants, fellas!)

Happy Groundhog’s Day, y’all! Punxsutawney Phil has predicted 6 more weeks of winter. That doesn’t sound so bad, does it? I haven’t gone off on my rant about how I hate winter this year, so I guess it’s been a better year weather-wise. But just because I haven’t gone off on my I hate winter rant, doesn’t mean I don’t have plenty-o-rants to go around…

John Edwards. SERIOUSLY, JOHN? Not only do you have an affair on your wife while you are running for President, you have an affair on your wife who is battling STAGE 4 CANCER. And not only do you cheat on your DYING WIFE, you are fucking your videographer who is making a CAMPAIGN DOCUMENTARY. And not only are you fucking your videographer who is making your PRESIDENTIAL campaign documentary, you GET HER PREGNANT. And not only do you get your presidential campaign videographer pregnant, you try to keep her quiet with money paid to her from your PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN FUNDS. And not only do you get your campaign videographer pregnant and pay her off with campaign funds, while your wife of THIRTY YEARS is battling STAGE FOUR CANCER, you then DENY you’re the father of her baby. And not only do you deny you’re the father of her baby, you get someone in your campaign staff to LIE and say HE’S THE BABY-DADDY. And folks, just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse – now the news has reported there could be a possible JOHN EDWARDS SEX TAPE. HOLY-FUCKING-CHRIST. My head about exploded with that news. I mean, thank GOD this man never made it to the White House, because he OBVIOUSLY has a problem making any sort of WISE DECISIONS. He cheats on his dying wife, he doesn’t practice safe sex, he lies about paternity (which we all know can be solved with a quick trip to “The Maury Show”), he gets someone in his inner-circle to lie for him about PATERNITY, and THEN MAKES A SEX TAPE TOO? Honestly. I’m reeling over the fucked-up-ed-ness of the whole thing. I can understand trying to cover your ass through this whole ordeal and trying to backtrack and do damage control, but COME ON. Some days it’s just better to come clean and move on.

Tiger Woods. I’ve refrained from ranting about Tiger in this blog, because, really, what could I say that hasn’t been said by others in a funnier way? But c’mon, Tiger. Last I heard, the count of his ladies is now at 19. REALLY, TIGER? You wife is a hot piece of ass and you can’t be a little more discreet? NINETEEN WOMEN? Fucking-A. I could probably forgive one or two. But NINETEEN? If Elin goes back to him, you know that bitch is only doing it for the cash. And frankly, I can’t blame her. I hope she spends it like a motherfucker.  The best part of this whole scandal for me, was when Tiger said (in a text message to one of his Ladies) that he was so irresistable because he was "blasian".  I fucking died.  It was all too delicious.

And all you guys out there -- don't worry.  I'm not picking on your gender (even though it probably feels like it).  I am already working on my "Rants About Stupid Chicks" as I write this.  (Well, not really, but I thought if I said so it would make you feel better and make me look less like a man-hater.  Which I'm not.  Really.)