Tuesday, December 29, 2009


Last night, I bought “Super Mario Bros.” for my Nintendo DS. I really don’t play with it all that much, because frankly, I don’t have a lot of time and I hate most of the games out there. I grew up with simple video games like Pac-Man and Donkey Kong. If I have to press more than one button in order to make my video character do whatever it is that video characters do, it’s too complicated for me. I think all day for a living – when I spend time doing recreational activites, I want to shut my brain off for a while.

“Super Mario Bros.” seemed like the perfect choice. There’s not a lot of buttons to deal with and plus, everyone loves Mario, right? I took Daughter with me to the video game store, and I made the purchase.

A little time later, we are taking turns on my DS being Mario. Whenever one of us lost our turn, it was the other person’s opportunity to play. We were having a blast. Then we remembered we could sync up our DS’s (she has one too) and we could play Mario as a two-person game. Great idea!

Since we couldn’t find the original instructions that came with the DS (who keeps that shit anyway?), I went to the computer to look up the directions on how to sync our DS’s. On the way up the stairs to our computer room, Daughter says to me, “We’re like peanut butter and jelly.” I ask her what did she mean? “It means we’re like best friends.”

HOW CUTE WAS THAT? We’re like peanut butter and jelly. Nevermind that she doesn’t even like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The analogy couldn’t be more fitting.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Too Many Apologies

I feel the need to apologize to all of you, my dear readers.  I have been paying as much attention to writing in my blog as I have to becoming a vegetarian (which, in case you didn't get it, is ZERO.  I am a bona fide MEAT EATER.)

Despite not having a job at the moment, I have been extremely busy.  Go figure, right?  Christmas shopping, wrapping presents, baking cookies and being lazy (such as sleeping in late and taking long naps) has been monopolizing all of my time. 

Please don't give up on me.  I promise to write something hilarious and thought-provoking sometime soon.  Hang in there and bear with me.

Saturday, December 05, 2009

The Irritation Continues...

I went for an interview today with the Michigan National Guard for their Judge Advocate General (JAG) Corps.  I had to drive about 100 miles to get there (one way).  Once I got there, I was supposed to see Captain America (not his real name, obvs...but I must protect the innocent).  I ask for Captain America and once I introduce myself and tell him we had a 10:00 a.m. appointment, his all-American face is oh-so-very puzzled.  Like my name and the fact that we have an appointment doesn't ring a bell kind of puzzled.

Oh, I see we are starting off on the right foot, aren't we?

It gets better.  He acts like he had NO FUCKING IDEA I was supposed to be there.  I do the polite thing and tell him that if this is a bad time, I can come back (and trust me, if he had told me to come back there was NO WAY IN HELL I was coming back, considering it took me nearly 2 hours to find the place).  I even resorted to showing him the confirmation email I received regarding our appointment.  It's December 5th isn't it?  So we do the interview.

Going into the interview, I was under the impression (from the recruiter) that the JAG Corps was in desperate need of lawyers.  Speaking to Captain America -- who told me there are only 17 lawyers in the whole state, and only 2 of them are on "active" duty -- that despite there being buttloads of work to do, he really only needed lawyers who were experienced in litigation. 

I have no litigation experience.

I also found out that "for sure", because, after all, Captain America doesn't want to "bullshit" me -- that if I were to join the JAG...I'd be deployed "overseas" (read:  The Middle East) immediately after training, and that deployment would last one year.

FUCK THAT PEOPLE.  I didn't like those odds.

So I pretty much bid Captain America adieu and went on my merry way back home.  Only to be grilled by Husband for nearly an hour about how I should still consider joining.  I FLAT OUT told him that there was no way -- hear me? -- NO FUCKING WAY I was joining when there would be a 100% chance that I would have to leave my daughter for one year.  Nevermind the 6 months of training when I would be away.  Want to know what his response was?  Go ahead.  Ask me.  Please....

He said that I would be given leaves and that I would still see her. 

That's when I had to crush his hopes of being married to a JAG Officer once and for all.  FLAT OUT.  And please don't get me wrong.  I admire the men and women who serve this country with all my heart and soul.  I'm just too old and too set in the ways of being with my kid where I want to sacrifice any more time away from her (the four years I spent in law school were enough time away).

Oh, and the best part of the interview?  Captain America asked me if I had considered joining one of their other units -- specifically, the Human Resources branch.  He mentioned this because all of my pre-law school work experience was in Human Resources.  I told him, no, I was pretty much focused on legal positions, I mean, considering the schooling and the student loan and the fucking 2 years I spent trying to pass the goddamm Bar exam. 

Seriously?  WHAT THEE FUCK CAPTAIN AMERICA?  You can't be serious?  Dude, I look forward not backward.  If I had loved HR that much, I would have stayed there instead of investing 7 years of my life and $100k into a legal career. 

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Thoughts in My Head

Lately, I haven't had any "big" topics to write about, but I've thought of a bunch of little things I need to write about.

1)  I've decided that I think Adam Lambert is one sexy mo' fo'.  I've never wanted to be a gay man more in my life than I have over this past week.  I love love LOVE his new song, "For Your Entertainment" and I think he's hot stuff in the video.  Love the guyliner, love the hair, love everything.  This is just one more thing that proves I'm a gay man trapped in a heterosexual woman's body.  And I don't give two shits that he kissed a guy on stage at the AMAs or that he simulated oral sex.  Honestly, who gives a fuck?  I've taught daughter about gay people in simple terms (sometimes boys want to marry boys and girls want to marry girls...'nuff said.)  I don't think I'm gonna "turn" her gay by explaining what it means.

2)  I am so pissed at Farmville -- some of the things that are available to buy to decorate your farm with you have to pay with "farmbucks".  Only there seems to be no other way to accumulate these "farmbucks" other than to purchase them with real money.  And fuck that, Farmville.  Keep your Mystery Boxes and your black ducks.  Even though I want one I will not be spending any money on you.

3)  I've started snoring as of late (meaning the past few months) and I've been kicked out of my bedroom.  I now sleep either on the sofa in our living room or in Daughter's room (she sleeps in my bed with Husband).  At first I was all fired up about it, but now I kind of like it because I get her whole bed to myself (she has a Queen).  It ain't half bad because she even has a TV with cable in her room, so I feel like I'm back living with my parents again.  Except without the dysfunction.

4)  When did Pandora radio start playing commercials?  I have been away for a while, but tonight, when I was here in my home office putzing around, I have it on and I'm all WTF?  I don't appreciate commercials AT ALL.  And speaking of Pandora, when did my "George Michael Radio" turn into Beatles Hour?  I've heard "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" and "Come Together" one right after the other.  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate me some Beatles, but seriously?  It's called "George Michael Radio" for a reason.  Play some fucking GM or I am going to get my feathers all in a ruffle.

5)  OMG Pandora is now playing the second Elton John song...I've realized that Pandora must be intepreting "George Michael Radio" to mean "Gay Male Performer Radio" which is fine by me considering my #1 above, but seriously...PLAY SOME GODDAMM GEORGE MICHAEL ALREADY and stop fucking with me, Pandora!  (And speaking of Elton John, I love me some Elton, too.  My mom once took me to one of his concerts when I was 3 years old, and I still remember him wearing his crazy outfits back then.  Like that one over there to the left.)

6)    I got my letter from Unemployment today and hopefully the cash should start rolling in any time now.  Of course, it's a fraction of the money I was making when I was employed, but I am not going to complain.  Being unemployed has got me thinking of starting my own practice.  I've been mulling it around for the past couple of weeks.  I'll keep you posted on my progress.

7)  Husband has rearranged my home office and I can't stand it.  There was once a futon in here and he's moved that out and replaced it with bookcases.  Now there's only one chair in here which is fine if you're the one person in here, but forget about two people being in here because there's no where to sit.  He's also rearranged just about everything else including taking my pictures off the walls.  I can't tell you how much his touching my shit annoys the fuck out of me.  I find it beyond irritating.

8) I think I'm going to try and put up my Christmas tree either tomorrow or Friday.  I meant to do it on Monday but we had a death in our family.  One of Husband's aunt's passed away last Friday and so I've been involved in visitation and funeral activities. 

9)  Still no George Michael on my Pandora.  Who can I write a strongly worded letter to?

10)  I can't think of a 10th thing...so I'm outta here bitches!  :)