Wednesday, January 28, 2009

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Someone's Going Off On a Rant...

My head is about to explode...I just checked the weather for tomorrow and noticed that it is supposed to SNOW for the next few days -- off and on. I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF THE SNOW I WANT TO GO POSTAL...OR WHATEVER THE "GOING POSTAL" EQUIVALENT IS CONCERNING SNOWFALL. I am sick sick sick of this winter and want to run outside and scream my head off because I spent 4 hours in my car today stuck in traffic -- three hour commute to work, one hour commute home from work ALL BECAUSE OF THE GODDDANG SNOW AND I JUST CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! FUCK!

I swear, if that fucking groundhog doesn't see his shadow or sees his shadow (you know, which ever one means winter is going to last even longer) I am going to kill that motherfucker!

Yes, I keep dropping the F-bombs, and even an MF-bomb. As you can see, I'm mad!

I hate walking in the snow, I hate driving in the snow, I hate snowblowing the snow, I even hate looking at the snow at this point. I don't think my hatred of the winter has ever been so intense! Maybe I need a check on my meds....

Hide the guns and sharp objects, people! I'm on a rant and it's going to last a while!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I'm Rich, Bitches!

OK, not really. But I kept hearing Dave Chappelle's voice in my head saying this as I was thinking about this story that I'm about to tell you...except he says it more like "I'm riiiiccccch, bitches!" so there you go.

Earlier this evening I was on my way to take Daughter to her swimming lessons. We are driving on I-94 and we pass a Mega Millions billboard (the jackpot is at $30M btw). Being the ever observant child that she is, she asks me what "Mega Millions" is. I explain it's a lottery where you can buy a ticket and then win the amount of money that was on the billboard. In the backseat, I hear her "oooo-ing" and "ahhhh-ing" over how "easy" this must be. Yeah, mom, all you have to do is buy a ticket...of course, I try and calm her down by telling her the odds of winning are very small (like she understands "odds". All she understands is winning!)

So then she says to me, "Wouldn't you like to be rich, instead of being poor?" Ain't that the question of day, y'all? UMMMM...FUCK YEAH I'd love to be rich! I didn't say THAT of course, I said, "Well, yeah!" and she says...then go buy a lottery ticket! DUH!

Now, why didn't I think of that?????

Friday, January 23, 2009

You Know What I Love?

VH1 and it's reality shows, that's what.

VH1 has really outdone itself this time...there is a new show that debuted a couple of weeks ago, and let me tell you -- I'm already hooked.

This little jem is called Tool Academy. The premise of the show is that girlfriends bring their boyfriends to be on a show called "Mr. Awesome". However, once the boys arrive, they find out that they are not competing to be on "Mr. Awesome", but instead have been enrolled in "Tool Academy". As you can probably guess from the title, these boyfriends are complete douchebags. I mean, they are obnoxious, dishonest, cheaters, liars, and the most thoughtless boyfriends ever. IT'S GREAT TELEVISION.

Using therapy sessions, and various other "challenges" done with their girlfriends (such as learning the tango, putting together a bed, etc.) that are based on topics such as "Romance", "Trust", etc., each boyfriend is judged on how well they use what they learn in therapy as well as how they interact with their girlfriends -- judged to determine whether they get to stay another week or "are just a tool" (which is what is said to them when they get kicked off each week). It's an awesome display of humiliation for those guys you think deserve to be humiliated.
Little tidbits that make the show worth watching: each guy is sometimes refered to "Naked Tool" or "Tiny Tool" -- based on their personalities, and then in turn, their girlfriend is "Naked Tool's Girlfriend" or "Tiny Tool's Girlfriend". Genius. And also, the boys sometimes get caugh doing naughty things with hidden telling other women they are single, or taking about their girlfriends behind their backs. One especially delicious (and very tense) moment was when during group therapy, a previously unknown woman walks in to announce she is one of the Tools' current girlfriend of six years. And she's not the girlfriend he is currently sitting next to. So imagine everyone in the room collectively shitting their pants and you can imagine the look that was one everyone's faces. It was one of the best moments EVER caught on trashy reality TV.

At the end of each episode, one boy is kicked off and then his girlfriend has to decide if she really still wants to stay with him. Of course, in my opinion, none of the girls should stay with their tool boyfriends, but usually the guy will squirt a few tears, tell his girlfriend how much he loves her and they ride off into the sunset together.

The winner of Tool Academy will get $100,000 and the title of "Mr. Awesome". It's really a fantastic show. Tune in. You won't be disappointed. And in case you're wondering, the Tool with the two girlfriends is still on the show. Only the girl who brought him to tool academy left, and the girlfriend of six years took her place. Why either of them stayed with him is a mystery to me (except maybe the fact that he's totally freaking hot in a 22-year-old boy sort of way), but none of that matters to me. The only thing that matters is that I can't wait to tune in for the next episode!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

It's Inauguration Day, Y'all

In case you hadn't noticed from past blog posts, I *heart* me some Barak Obama. And today, in about 12 hours, he is going to take the Presidential Oath of Office. You know my ass is going to be PARKED in front of the TV all afternoon. Well, except between 1:00pm and probably around 1:30pm when I will be having lunch with Ursula at her school. I promised her last week I would come on Tuesday, not realizing that it was The Tuesday. But my child will always come before my own selfish wants and I will have to tear myself away from CNN and dine with her. Which is cool with me, don't get me wrong.

My friend SG has travelled to Washington DC in order to witness this little piece of history in person. And for the record, I am the color of the brightest neon green with envy. I'm so envious, I'm glowing green.

I wanted to make this post for a couple of reasons -- the main one was just to express my love and admiration for our 44th President. If you've known me for any length of time, you know I am not a political person. I spend more time reading US Magazine or People than I spend reading the newspapers. I spend more time watching VH1 reality shows than the news. And it's not that I don't care about what is happening in the country, or around the's just boring. Until now. I've never felt this way about a President before, nor have I ever been so inspired by politics.
I believe in America. I have hope and I belive in change. Yeah, I said all the buzzwords, and meant every one of them. Now, on to Inauguration Day! I can't wait. President Obama is a mutha-fucken rockstar and I can't wait for the show to start!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Deja Vu

Apparently, someone at the Detroit Free Press got wind of one of my recent blog posts (not really, but I feel like it was originally MY story). Check it out. And I swear, I have been meaning to make one of those handmade signs like the woman in the story has done. It's on my to-do list for tomorrow -- I MEAN IT!

Oh, and here's something you may not have known about me...the two guys pictured in this article remind me that I LOVE blue collar guys. I always have, and always will. They are the ones I am always attracted to -- no, it's not the guy in the Armani the skilled-tradesman, carpenter, constuction worker, etc. You get the idea. Must be why I LOVE Mike Rowe from The Discovery Channel's Dirty Jobs. Do you see how dirty he gets sometimes? It's like soft-core porn for me.

Fuckin' God Bless America and all her Blue Collar Guys. Amen!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

What Would I Give to Me Circa 1984?*

*In my friend SG's blog, Perfectly Cursed Life, she makes a post on what she would tell her 13-year-old self -- "What Would I Give to Me Circa 1994?" After reading her post, I started thinking about this same question -- although she gave herself things, wereas, I thought about what advice I would give myself. Of course, I can't be as serious as she is -- so bear with me as a put my own brand of humor on this question, and try to mix in some seriousness too.

Advice I would give to the 13-year-old me:

1. Rick Springfield is not going to come and marry you. He's the same age as your father, so besides it being illegal, it's also gross. So stop dreaming that one day he is going to come and rescue you. And see #7 below.

2. Get involved in some sports or something. The exercise will do your body and mind a lot of good.

3. Get a decent haircut. Your hair is naturally curly -- and you're not going to discover this for another 12 years, so let me help you get through some bad hair years and let you in on this secret now. Have your mother buy you some decent products and run with it. And when I say "decent" I don't mean Dep gel or some crappy mousse, I mean some quality products. Although your mother is naturally cheap and will probably not buy you salon products, but find some liquid gel made by a company that knows hair and use it. Oh and try and grow your hair out. The curls will be nicer.

4. Beg your parents for contacts. I'm sure they are going to be stubborn and not let you get them, but throw a tantrum or something -- you never do it, so maybe they will give in. If you absolutely have to get glasses, get something with a smaller frame and DON'T TINT THEM. You'll cringe in 25 years at old pictures. And don't get the "Battlestar Galactica" ones for God's sake. That was a bad idea.

5. You're not fat so stop thinking you are.

6. You're also not ugly. It's the bad hair and the glasses that are making you think you are. You're actually going to turn out to be really cute.

7. Boys are dumb, so stop putting all of your self-worth and self-esteem in their hands. I know that you're going to continue to do this, so if you can find a way to nip this in the bud at the ripe old age of 13, your 37-year-old self will thank you.

8. Stop being such a picky eater. Try new food and eat more vegatables. God is going to get back at you for this in the form of your daughter. Remember how frustrated mom gets when you won't eat something? You're going to live it when your daughter acts the same way (and yes, you're going to have a daughter).

9. Continue to love books. Books rock (still).

10. Your mom is going to continue to annoy the shit out of you. Just accept it and realize she loves you and is trying her best. You know her mom is a poor example of a mother, so don't be too hard on you when she acts like a jackass.

11. Your family is dysfunctional -- you probably already know this. They are never going to be perfect and are always going to be thorns in your side. You can either accept them the way they are and accept it, or not. If I were you (and I am), it might be easier for you to just accept it and move on.

12. Rebel a little. Life is short. You don't always have to follow the rules. It will do your soul a little bit of good to kiss a few more boys or get drunk a few times in high school. NOT NOW, of course. But do this in high school. The worst thing that will happen is that you'll get caught and get grounded, and since you get grounded for dumb shit like not taking out the garbage, at least get grounded for doing something kick-ass like staying out past your curfew. Just don't turn into an alcoholic or a slut (save those for your 30s...haha)

13. Finish your Master's Degree in English. I know this may not make a lot of sense now, but just do it. Follow your dream of becoming a college professor, because even if it doesn't work out, you can still go to law school when you're 32 and try that out for a bit.

14. I know that being 13 is difficult...just know that after high school, your life is going to get 100x better. College rocks and so does being an adult. Just try and remember that when you're down on life.

15. And last, but not least -- believe in yourself because you are an awesome person. And I'm not just saying it because I'm you -- you really are.

So y'all...what advice would you give your 13-year-old self?

Thursday, January 08, 2009

I Think 2009 Might Just By MY Year...

Call me crazy (and I doubt you'd get an argument), but I think 2009 is going to be my year. You know how on Seinfeld is was "The Summer of George"? Well, I'm not narrowing it down to just a season...I'm going for the whole year, all 365 days of it.

I found a new job, y'all! I'm so happy. I start it on the 26th, and I couldn't be more stoked. Yes, I just said "stoked" like I say it all the time.

The job is working in the legal department at the corporate HQ of a company. I would tell you more, but my paranoia prevents me from it. If you want to know more, just ask me next time I talk to you or see you. But let's just say that I will be doing a job very similar to the last major job I had (and it was a job I actually enjoyed most days) and I will be making nearly the same amount of money.

Best part -- I only have to work 30 hours/week, which gives me a 3-days weekend. Can I get a witness?

Things are finally looking up. I guess I can cross "find a new job" off my resolutions list -- and from the sounds of this post, my "positive attitude" is continuing to spread sunshine everywhere!