Thursday, February 26, 2009

Things I Just Don't Get

There are certain things that come along -- whether it be in pop culture, or fashion, or whatever -- when I just don't understand what all of the hubbub is about. Here's my list of ten those things. I may revisit this topic someday, so stay tuned.

1. American Idol. Even from day 1, I was not a regular viewer. And yes, I have tuned in to the audition shows, and to finales, and to just everyday episodes. I just don't get all of the excitement about it, especially considering most of the "winners" are not all that successful. It's a glorified karoke contest, and you know I love me some karoke, so you know I'm not knocking it. And there are talented exceptions like Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson. But seriously, between Ryan Seacrest and Paula just loving everything...I don't get it.

2. Lost. I'm sorry -- I've tried. I even ordered the first season on iTunes, and nearly got through it. I. Just. Don't. Care. Any show where I have to think that hard -- I'm tuning out. You already know I am more into junk TV than into anything substantial. I wish I was a fan so I can take part in all of the chatter about it. But I just don't get it.

3. The iPhone. Those of you out there who have one (and you know who you are) probably think I'm crazy for saying this -- and maybe it's because I don't have one. You know, to understand the craze of the iPhone, maybe I have to own one. But seriously. It was way overpriced to begin with (SUCKERS!) and there's too many stupid applications for it. It's a PHONE, people! It's bad enough I can already check email and go to Facebook from my shitty phone. When I finally do get an iPhone (or a reasonably similar phone) please go ahead an mock me. Until then, I am going to be the mockee.

4. HDTVs. Considering we just purchased a plasma TV, I shouldn't have this on my list. But I am finding it incredibly irritating when ever time we are watching TV, it gets pointed out how "Look! It's in HD!" Big Fucking Deal. The picture is clear and crisp. The colors are more vibrant. WHOOOPIE.

5. Ice Cream Cakes. I hate them because the cake is always frozen solid, and no one ever thaws them out properly. I just don't get the big deal...we just didn't get you a cake for your birthday, we got an ice cream cake! Again, WHOOOPIDIEE-DO.

6. Brad Pitt. I don't understand why women gush about him. I mean, he's good looking and all, but he's just not the end all-be all of male beauty. And his acting is meodicre. The only movie he was in where I was blown away by his performance was Fight Club and it was probably more the story than it was the actual presence of Brad Pitt.

7. Jessica Simpson. Why is this woman a star? Besides the fact that she is beautiful, she can't act or sing. Her music sucks and she's a moron. And for the record, I don't care that she gained a few pounds -- she's not fat. I would kill to be as "fat" as the tabloids say she is. OMG the woman has a figure instead of being a twig. Heaven forbid!

8. The Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, High School Musical (1, 2 and 3). I know I probably have to be 11 years old to truly appreciate the awesomeness of Nick Jonas or Zac Efron...and yes, I know their names (I read Us!) -- but I am so sick of seeing their faces, I want to puke. And did anyone catch The Jonas Brothers on Saturday Night Live a few weeks ago? That one brother (I don't know his name -- maybe he's Nick) but he kept making these faces at the camera and it was so embarassing. I don't know if it was on purpose or what -- but seriously. Start rehearsing in front of the mirror because you look like a douchebag.

9. Gardening. Maybe my mind will change on this one when I'm like 50 years old or something, but I just don't understand why people love to garden. Whether it be food or flowers -- it just seems like a waste of time. And it looks like it's hard on the knees and back. Oh, and it looks like you have to do it in the middle of summer, so anything where I have to get all dirty and sweaty outside in the summer -- um, no thanks.

10. The Super Bowl. I know, you are all gasping in collective horror at this admission of mine. And believe me, I understand sports and football. The part I don't understand is why anyone cares so much about it. If it's not the team from your hometown/state, and the game is not played in your hometown/state, then what the fuck is the big deal? Are you really that emotionally invested in caring about some team from Miami or Pittsburgh or New England THAT MUCH? It's like "Whoo Hooo! The Stealers won the Superbowl!! OMG I'm so happy for them!!" WHY? You know what I think? "The Stealers won the Superbowl? Who Cares!" You know when I'll care? When the Lions make it to the Superbowl. Now that will be a good reason to have a party and get drunk with all your friends.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Freddie Fishsticks, R.I.P.

Daughter's goldfish died, y'all. And while this isn't the most horrible thing to happen, for Daughter, it was a tough day. So I thought I would give you the bio and let you mourn along with our family. Well, not really the entire family, as Husband though all the hullaballu over a fish was stupid, but I look at is as a valuable life lesson to teach a 6 year-old about death -- without the death having to be an actual person -- someone that would be a heartbreak to lose.

His name was Freddie Fishsticks, which I am assuming you already picked up on from the title of the post. But in case you didn't, there you go. I used to joke about his name, because if you say it with our Italian last name, it sounds like an old time Mobster name. Right?

We bought him for 12 cents back in May. He was about an inch long. He was about 3 inches when he died. He swam. He ate a lot. He pooped a lot. That was about it.

He stopped eating last Sunday, so I knew his death was imminent -- and while I tried to prepare Daughter for the inevitable...she still cried her heart out when his death was confirmed. We said a prayer for him to go to fish heaven, or wherever it is that dead fish go -- and then we flushed him.

I felt really bad for Daughter, because this is the first time death has been so personal for her. And yes, like Husband, I understand it is a very small death when put in perspective. But I have always had a soft spot for all animals, and I even felt sad when Freddie died. After all, I was the one who ended up having to feed him and clean his bowl, when the novelty of it all wore off for Daughter.

Daughter and I have had several conversations about death. I never tried to really sugar-coat it for her, especially when the question came up about me dying. Or Husband dying. Or Nana, or Papa, or even her. I try to explain to her that death is part of life -- all living things are going to die eventually someday. Every tree, every flower, every bird...and yes, every person on the face of this earth is going to die. Hopefully, it happens when we are all very, very old, and that way we can say we enjoyed our lives. But sometimes, like Freddie, it happens 9 months after meeting each other and getting to know one another.

When we said goodbye to Freddie, we had a good cry. Daughter cried because her fish died. I cried because she had to experience death and the pain that goes with it. She told me her heart was heavy and it hurt. I know that feeling. I've cried many times for pets, friends and family that have all passed away. I know that one thing that always made me feel better was a strong hug and knowing that I still had people here to experience life with -- and so that's what I did. I hugged her hard, told her that death is part of life, and that I loved her.

One thing I am thankful for is that I have a child who is sensitive enough to care when her fish dies. That goes to show she has a soft and fragile heart that is capable of loving even a goldfish. I am also thankful that I was here to help her through it (I leave to take the Bar tomorrow morning).

So goodbye to you, Freddie. As I mentioned in my prayer, I hope you are in fish heaven, or wherever it is that the spirit of fish go when they die. You were a decent first pet for my then 5-year-old. We had some good times and a few laughs -- remember that time your poop was about 4 inches long? Daughter got a kick out of that (she loves bathroom humor -- she must get it from me). Rest in peace, little fish. Rest in peace. (And I am sorry for flushing you, but considering the ground is hard as a rock outside, I couldn't give you a proper burial. I am sure you have already forgiven me.)

Friday, February 06, 2009

Proof that Life Can Be Cruel Sometimes

I don't mean to be a shallow bitch (ok, maybe I do), but have you seen Val Kilmer LATELY? He has gone from this guy you see to the right (this is how I think of him) to this guy.
Yikes. This is definite proof that we all are going to get old someday. What a depressing thought! Guess we all can't be cute forever.
Poor Val. He used to be fine as hell. Now he just looks like hell. And what is with his hair??? Seriously. Someone call a stylist to get his shizz in order! There's no excuse. And for the love of all that is holy in this world...trim those crazy freakin' eyebrows. Again, there's no excuse for wild-old-man-eyebrows. If I can find the time to not only get the occassional haircut, but also get my eyebrows waxed, then he can too. He has more free time and money than I do -- I'm sure of that. And as a matter of fact, I get both done at the same appointment, so he could kill two birds with one stone!

Thursday, February 05, 2009

They Say Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder...

Last Thursday, I took Daughter to her swim lesson. It was rather uneventful until it came time for her to change into her clothes to go home. We meet in the girl’s locker room so I can help her out (because if I don’t, it will take her a million years to change and I want to get home sometime before the year ends). At one point, we notice that this mother has brought her SON into the locker room to change. Granted, the kid was about 4 years old, but still. At one point while I’m helping Ursula change, the kid decides it would be a perfect time for him to streak the locker room in his birthday suit, and of course, he’s coming toward Daughter and me – so she gets a big eyeful of some full frontal male nudity. Oh great.

So she doesn’t really say anything about it, although we both kind of giggle about it, and I think we are done with this topic. I should know better by now that no topic, especially not one like the impact full frontal male nudity has – is ever done by means of a small giggle.

Saturday comes along, and we’re just doing not much of anything, but we’re at home and it’s just her and me. She asks me, out of the blue, “Have you ever seen a boy’s private parts?” Hmmm. How to answer this one….so I say, “Yeah.” But in a way where it was more like a valley girl – “Yeaaaaaahhhh” – like you would say “Duh”. She looks at me with these wide eyes, and then asks in an accusatory tone, “Who’s?!” Hmmm. Once again, I’m faced with the question on how to answer in the most appropriate way. I reply, “I’ve seen Daddy’s a couple of times, I guess.” I figured she would not see anything weird about that answer. Immediately after I confirm, that yes indeed, I have had the fortune to see some private parts, she says in a high pitched voice, “Were you, like, EWWWWWW! GROSS!??” I nearly peed my pants. At this point in our conversation, I can only IMAGINE what she must have thought last Thursday, when that kid was running toward her, in all his naked glory, bouncing all over the place….coming right at her. Boing…boing…boing! HA HA!

I answer her, again in my valley girl “Duh” voice – “Yeah! Ewwww, gross!” and we chuckle a little. So then I ask her the question I already know the answer to – “So have YOU ever seen a boy’s private parts?” Continuing in the sarcastic tone that this conversation has taken, she says, “What do you think?” Hahahaha…what do I think? I think I want to end this conversation right here....I reply, “Yes?” She nods. “Who?” I ask, accusatorily. “That little boy at swim who was in the locker room!” To which I reply:

“Where you, like, EWWWWW! GROSS??!!!”

And she says, “YES!” and we laugh our heads off! Because again, I can only imagine what she was thinking in that locker room, comparing what he had going on to what she has going on….and she was probably thinking “What the FUCK is THAT???”


Monday, February 02, 2009


Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow today. Which means winter will last for another six weeks. He's on my hit list, y'all. I don't know if I am going to be able to remain sane for the next 6 weeks of winter...

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Armani Underwear Ads Make Me Happy to be Alive

Yeah...once again, Armani has come out with David Beckham underwear ads, and once again, I am happy to be able to have lived one more day to see them for myself. Feast your eyes on're welcome.
I don't know about you, but these ads make me want to run out and buy 100 pairs of these undies and make Husband give me a fashion show. If I squint my eyes a little while he does it, I might just be able to see David....hmmm. That, or close my eyes completely. Macy' I come!