Tuesday, September 15, 2009

10 More Reasons Why I Want to Kill You In Your Sleep


In case you missed it the first time around, here's the list that preceeded this one. And because Husband pissed me off this morning with a passive-aggressive text message that greeted me first thing which set the tone for my day...here are 10 more reasons he gets on my every last nerve.

1. He takes everything so personally. Saturday night we stayed up watching TV until nearly 3am. While neither of us was really tired, when we went to bed, we started talking. And when I say “we” were talking, I mean mostly him. Husband usually does most of the talking and I do most of the listening. It’s just how we are. Which is probably one of the reasons I need this blog. Anyway, after about 45 minutes, he gets up at a moment in our conversation where I think it’s an abrupt interruption. As he’s walking to the bathroom (we have one in our bedroom) I tell him I’m going to put my earplugs in my ears and go to sleep. Apparently, this was offensive because he proceeded to get all bitchy with me and then didn’t talk to me for most of Sunday. IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL, HUSBAND. It’s four-fucking-o’clock in the morning and I want to get to sleep and all you’re doing is rehashing shit I’ve already heard 5 times. Fuckin’ A.

2. He doesn’t let shit go – you know the saying, “Like water down a duck’s back”? Yeah, he’s the direct opposite of that. Along with taking everything personally, he also remembers every little thing I’ve done wrong or hurtful in our relationship and picks the most inopportune times to bring them up. It’s like I can’t ever live anything down. And trust, me he’s not perfect.

3. He hogs the TV. I can’t tell you the last time I watched network television. Not that there’s loads of brilliant programming on network TV, but for goodness sake. I would like to watch “Dancing with the Stars” or “America’s Got Talent” once in a while so I’m up on all of the shit TV everyone else is watching. We can share the TV…but don’t come home and turn my shit off in the middle of it when I’ve become emotionally vested in a show. Like for example, I love the show “I Survived…” which is on the Biography channel. It is about people who have survived near-death experiences and they tell about them. It’s riveting and I love it and Husband turns it off. Motherfuck. YET, he lets Daughter watch “Spongebob Squarepants” ad nauseam. (For the record, I still love Spongebob, but I'd like to watch something else once in a while.)

4. He thinks I read too much. I love to read. I love books. He does too, don’t get me wrong. He is just jealous because I have something interesting to read and it cuts into his talking to me time. I want to tell him to take his little ass to the bookstore and go nuts, but then again, he’d take it personally and wouldn’t talk to me for a day because I was a bitch.

5. He doesn’t eat fruit. Every summer, I want to buy out the produce stores with all of the wonderful seasonal fruit. One particular summer favorite is watermelons. But because he’s a freak and doesn’t eat fruit, whenever I buy a watermelon I have to eat the whole goddam thing because he’s passed his freak-fruit-hating gene to Daughter. Ever eat a whole watermelon in the matter of days? I must have spent 50% of my time pissing.

6. He doesn’t answer my phone calls to texts in a timely manner. And by “timely” I mean immediately. He acts like his job is so important he can’t be bothered with my piddley shit. In my defense, sometimes my shit is not so piddley and sometimes it is. But he’ll never know unless he answers. Heaven forbid I let one of his calls or texts go unanswered though. You’d think I just boiled puppies or something.

7. He gets irritated whenever I want to take a nap. I love naps. I live to nap on the weekends. But whenever I want to take a nap, I get a hassle about it. The funny thing about this – Husband takes naps ALL THE FUCKING TIME. He naps on the weekends. He naps after work on the weekdays. HE NAPS MORE THAN ME. And the really funny thing is that I am a MASSIVE bitch when I’m tired. So you’d think naps would be enocouraged, but…nope. In case you’re wondering, I still take naps. Fuck him and his “no nap” rule. He can blow me if he thinks he bitches enough about it for me to give them up.

8. He has cankles. OK, I’m sorry about this one because he can’t help it. I think it’s genetic or something. But I HATE THEM and I desperately hope he doesn’t pass them on to daughter. In case you do not know what cankles are, it’s where you do not have the indentation from your calf to your ankles…hence, cankles. His ankles look like tree stumps. They creep me out.

9. He waits until that moment in the evening when dinner is done, things are put away, and I’ve just landed on the sofa to start reading or relaxing to ask me for something. Like, “Could you get me a glass of iced tea?” “Could you run out and get me a pack of cigarettes?” GODDAMMIT ALL TO HELL AND BACK. While I rarely ask him to run any of my errands, he’s always asking me to do something for him. You know what? Last I checked, I only gave birth to ONE person, not two. But you know what else? This is really a problem I have with myself because I always end up getting him what he wants. Even when it’s the most inconvenient thing on the face of the Earth. You know why? Because I care. That’s why. Even though last month I went up north and called in a refill for one of my meds and asked him to pick it up for me while I was gone and he didn’t so I had to do it when I got home….Grrrrrr.

10. He’s not an animal/household pet type of person. I blame his family for this one. His mom hates pets. I just don’t get it – how can you not like housepets? They’re cute, they’re fun and they provide companionship and comfort. My family always had pets. Always. And I’ve had dogs, cats, birds, fish, rabbits…it’s a long and versatile list. I’m still trying to somehow convince him a dog would be a great addition to our family. And if you think enticing him with sex is going to work, it’s not. We’ve been having sex with each other for 20+ years. It’s not like I can threaten to withhold blowjob privileges. I did that years ago!

In all fairness, for tomorrow's post, I'm working on my "10 Things I Love About Husband" for your enjoyment. I don't COMPLETELY hate him. :)


mysterg said...

This post should have been entitled 10 reasons why mysterg will never get married.

mytruth1118 said...

Seriously some of those sound JUST LIKE my husband, you know talking your fucking ear off, rehashing shit a million times, and never forgetting ANYTHING you've ever done to piss him off or hurt him and it's because in his words "I'm Perfect"...yeah right...maybe if the world were fucking perfect! Seriously I almost fell out of my chair reading this!

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

Are you sure you're not my boss? Because this is all the same shit she says about her husband. And what's the deal with pets? I don't trust anyone who doesn't like pets. Sure, you don't have to have them but to not even like pets? That's fucking serial killer territory right there.

MyTruth0812 said...

mysterg: Smart man! Kidding...actually being married can be very fun and fulfilling. It's just more entertaining to bitch about it!

Jen: MEN! Can live with 'em, can't kill them in their sleep...LOL

Tennyson: I know! I don't understand people who don't like pets. They're assholes!

Samantha Grace said...

The hating household pets thing is what gets me. I'd never be able to deal with that one.