Tuesday, August 04, 2009

10 Reasons Why I Hate You

Last night, Husband ate some pretzels after dinner and he didn't replace the Chip Clip. Who knew his serious infraction would lead to this blog post...That transgression lead to 10 reasons why Husband gets on my every last nerve. ("Hate" was really a strong word, but I thought it made a cute title to this post.)

1. He never puts the Chip Clip back on the chips (or pretzels, Doritos, etc.) so the shit goes stale if I’m not there to replace the Chip Clip. This is also true of replacing the twist-tie on bread, buns, etc.

2. When he’s out of toilet paper in his bathroom, he just goes down the hall and steals my roll of toilet paper out of my bathroom. I can’t tell you how many times I’m left sans toilet paper when I need it (because I think it’s there because it’s MY bathroom so I know the inventory).

3. If he needs cash, he just takes it out of my wallet and “forgets” to tell me about it. I would not mind this if he “remembered” to tell me. It’s only irritating when I need the cash, think it’s in my wallet and then go to try to spend it. Again, it’s MY wallet and I know the inventory. I have resorted to hiding cash in a different spot in my wallet and/or just not carrying cash anymore.

4. He refuses to have pizza delivered to our house, and insists on picking it up. Except I’m always the person who has to go pick it up.

5. When he empties the dishwasher and reloads it, he only takes out enough clean stuff to make room for the dirty stuff and then runs the dishwasher again. And he never empties the silverware. Ever. Irritating because it’s not only a waste of hot water and dishsoap, it’s also immensely lazy. If you’re gonna empty it, EMPTY it. Oh, and I’d rather he didn’t empty it, because if he can’t find a spot for something, he just makes one. I have faux-tupperware in every cupboard in my house. Which means I can never find the right one for the right job, and if I'm lucky enough to find a container, I can't find the goddam lid because it's never in the lid cupboard. (Look, you just got a two-fer on that one)

6. Whenever we go out to eat, he gets irritated if I want to order the same thing he does OR if I don’t want to order what he “suggests”. This once lead to an argument over breakfast where he got so mad he walked out of the restaurant. He got mad because I basically told him I was going to order whatever the fuck I wanted. (In case you’re wondering, I ordered a banana-pecan-something-or-other and he hates bananas. He wanted me to order the apple-cinnamon-something-or-other probably so he could eat it too, since I rarely ever eat everything. But I fucking love banana-pecan-whatever, so seriously, go fuck yourself.)

7. To expand on #6 above, he actually gets irritated if I don’t take his “suggestions” as the Word of God and do whatever he suggests. I find this irritating, because, as I’ve told him, I am a grown-ass-woman and am quite capable of making my own decisions. And before you get all riled up about how marriage is a partnership and blah, blah, blah -- these decisions usually pertain to things personal to me. Not things that should involve a decision made together. I mean, you have the food example above, you should understand what I mean.

8. If he wakes up before me on the weekends and runs an errand and takes daughter, he never does her hair or puts her in matching clothes. So she always looks like a crazy banshee with hair in her face and like a homeless child with mismatched or too-small clothes. I don’t know why this bothers me so much, but it does. I'm sure this is part of the control freak problem I have, that I mentioned yesterday.

9. He always talks about us getting into shape, slimming down, and working out, yet he buys junk food. As an example, this past weekend we went to Kroger and he wanted ice cream, ice cream toppings (caramel and apple cinnamon), chips, and donuts. WTF? I usually don’t buy this type of shit because if it’s not in the house, it’s much easier not to eat it.

10. He keeps all of our over-the-counter medications in a cupboard in the kitchen instead of in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom like normal people. I gave up this fight long ago, when we were first married and just accepted it. But I still find it irritating. He does this because his parents have a cupboard in their kitchen with all of their OTC shit. Cold meds? Thermometer? Ibuprofen? Cough drops? All in the cupboard above the dishwasher. It makes me crazy.

Now…I’m sure he’s got a similar list about me, so don’t go thinking I have this crazy notion that I’m perfect. Because I do. Here’s my idea of what his list must look like:

1. She won’t have sex with me everyday.
2. She won’t have sex with me everyday.
3. She won’t have sex with me everyday.
4. She won’t have sex with me everyday.
5. She won’t have sex with me everyday.
6. She won’t have sex with me everyday.
7. She won’t have sex with me everyday.
8. She won’t have sex with me everyday.
9. She won’t have sex with me everyday.
10. She never does what I say (like have sex with me everyday).

Ha Ha. I crack myself up. I’d love to know what irritates you about your significant other…


Anonymous said...

you know all the things that irritate me about The Mister, and many of them are similar to your list.

it made me laugh when you said he takes Ursula out looking like a banshee. Ha! That's such an old school term.

mytruth1118 said...

I hate to say this, but i have a cupboard in my kitchen with all of my otc shit too. I do this b/c I don't want to walk upstairs to get it then come back down to take it, b/c i never have bathroom cups in the bathroom. Incidently, my parents do the same thing and they don't even live in a two story house!

Laura Kinker said...

i have to confess that i have my ibuprofin and vitamins in the kitchen cabinet. i always seem to remember to take it when running out the door and this kitchen cabinet is the closest to the door. (and you know i live in an apartment so the bathroom isn't THAT far away but is still a pain in the butt if you're in a hurry.)