Monday, May 11, 2009

Vacation Recap, Day Three: Sitting Poolside, Then Dinner at the Carnival

Day Three: Saturday
After our extremely busy day at the Magic Kingdom, the big plan for Saturday was to sit our asses by the pool and let Daughter play and go down the waterslide 400 times. My personal plan was to number one, get drunk, number two, work on my tan, and number three, let my mother watch my kid play in the pool. I know, it is a bit irresponsible of me, but my mother is a pretty responsible adult, and I knew if I got shitfaced, that at least my kid wouldn’t drown out there. Oh, and she’d also not get sunburned (because my mom applies sunscreen to her, like every 30 minutes) and she’d probably -- at least – have to eat some type of fruit and/or vegetable. Which is more than I could say if I was the primary caregiver, because I let her eat whatever she wants (in reason, of course) – I just don’t force fruits or vegetables down her throat.

After a run to the local Publix grocery store for alcoholic beverages – surprisingly enough, my mom bought Corona beers (and a lime) for herself, and I bought some Smirnoff Ice things (grape flavor). I’m a total lightweight when it comes to booze, so I didn’t really need to invest in a bottle of vodka and some cute mixers. Just a few malt beverages, and I’m easy like Sunday morning….

We finally get out poolside – and “we” is me, mom, my kid and Auntie Millie. The Greek Goddess and Brittney decided to park their bikini asses elsewhere in the park, because you know – your family is an embarrassment when you’re 18 and maybe you’ll run into some cute boys. Honestly, all they had to do was stay with us, because truth be told, there was a hot- ass guy with the people next to us, and all he did ALL DAY was lay on his lounge chair and get a tan. See, there is a God, because with my sunglasses on, he didn’t see me leering at him all day long like I was The Big Bad Wolf and he was one of The Little Pigs. I couldn’t help but stare. Really, it wasn’t my fault. That’s what happens when washboard abs and stomach/arm/back tattoos are shoved in my face, especially when they’re attached to a great smile. Damn. He was so hot I almost wanted to ask him what was going on downstairs, because if he was hung like a baby, I might have enjoyed that tidbit – it would have meant that not all good-looking, tanned, perfect men have everything going for them (and whoever says size doesn't matter is lying. No on wants to have sex with a cocktail weenie). Because how would I know about hot guys? I’ve been with the same man for the last 21 years. It’s not like there were a lot of (read: none) tanned, hotties in my past (and if there were, my lips are sealed). I wanted to know if his luck with women was because of his pretty face/body AND the little extra he carried around, or if his girlfriends were devastated when he took it all off. Seriously, I was thisclose to asking him. But I didn’t. Not because I was afraid of my mom overhearing me – because trust me, she noticed him too. He was there with an older woman, who my mom decided was his sugarmama or something. I decided this assessment was incorrect, because they were also with another guy who looked an awful lot like Mr. Perfect, although he wasn’t as tanned – and also a little girl who was about 3. I figured the little girl belonged to Mr. Perfect’s brother, and that the woman was their mother. After explaining this to my mom, she agreed. I then added that if indeed, Mr. Perfect was her boytoy, the woman deserved a high-5 and my mom laughed. Then agreed. So you know she noticed him too.

After thanking Baby Jesus that Mr. Perfect was nearby so I had something interesting to look at besides Daughter jumping around in the pool – I spent the rest of the afternoon sunning myself, and drinking a few Smirnoff Ices. Of course, after my third one, I dozed off on my stomach in my chair for about 20 minutes (which caused quite a burn on my back – DUH…stupid me forgot sunscreen on MY BACK). I woke up and told my mom I was going back to the room to lay down, i.e., sleep off my buzz. The sun and the booze zapped all of my energy. I was laying down for about an hour before everyone came up to the room, and Daughter got into bed with me and we napped. Zzzzzz….

I wake to Auntie Millie and The Greek Goddess arguing about something. Which I would not have really noticed except I hear my name and something about waiting for me and Daughter to get up from our naps. WTF? I see the clock, and it’s like 5pm or something. Now, I know no one is going to question me about taking a nap, right? Especially considering my kid is asleep too, so it’s not like I’ve sluffed my parenting duties on someone else for the afternoon. And especially considering this is my fucking vacation too, and one of my favorite indulgences is napping. Napping accompanied by a strong sun and alcohol is one of the best naps ever, right?

I decide that I am going to seek out my mom to find out what all of the hullaballu is regarding this overheard conversation – I was in our bedroom with the door shut and overheard the muffled discussion. Maybe I’m overreacting and no one cares that I’m still napping? I wait an appropriate amount of time before getting up – so as not to cause alarm in The Greek Goddess or Auntie in thinking I may have overheard their talking about me – and find my mother out on the screened in balcony. She’s alone so I’m all “WTF?” to her and she tells me that The Greek Goddess wants to leave soon (we’re all going out to dinner together) and she was pissed that Daughter and I were “still” napping. Now, I could have marched into The Greek Goddess’ room and got all confrontational on her, but I decided to deal with the situation in the most passive-aggressive way possible. Which was to allow my kid to continue to sleep, and to not get ready to leave until she got up. The Greek Goddess, her friend and my aunt could suck my ass if that’s the way they were going to act. It was five-fucking-thirty on a Saturday night in Florida. Blow me, Ladies.

My mom and I continued to chat a bit – and remember when I promised that you were going to be appalled by Auntie Millie’s behavior? Well, here it comes…Auntie had rented to condo from a guy she works with. She rented it for a week, and because the guy owns a timeshare or something, he gave her a break on the price. She told my mom that he was charging her $1,000 for the week, so my mom had agreed to give her $450 for the time that we were staying there. Which I thought was a fair price, considering we were gone Monday morning. During my nap, Auntie and my mom were out on the balcony just chatting and whatever, and Auntie lets it slip (by accident, I’m sure) that they guy gave her the condo for the week for $500! Which means, my mother basically PAID the entire fee for the condo rental! I nearly shit a brick, especially because Auntie has been so bitchy and acting like we were such an inconvenience to her. I mean, if I had just swindled my sister into paying damn-near the ENTIRE condo rental fee -- which meant my accommodations, as well as my bratty teenager and her friend all got to stay in Orlando for $50 for the week – I’d be KISSING HER ASS!

I was so pissed for my mom – of course, my mom didn’t confront her on what she said, because not only do I like to act passive-aggressive, so does she. I don’t know if I would have been able to hold my tongue during that conversation – which came on the heels of an earlier conversation where Auntie threw up in my mom’s face – “Where else could you stay in Orlando for $450 for 4 nights?” Quite ironic, considering the bitch is staying in Orlando for $50 for 7 nights. Can you believe it???? My mom was really hurt. I was just pissed because after all, we’re family, and you really shouldn’t be trying to ram it into the ass of your sister, should you? Like I mentioned before, Auntie has NO money and I’m sure was worried about how she was going to pay for this trip. But I’m sorry – you shouldn’t take advantage of your sister like that, no matter how desperate you are.

The night only got better – after we all got ready to go out to dinner, we ended up in this place call “Old Town”, which was an interesting mix of a carnival (with rides) and little shops. When we first arrived, I was all judgmental and thought it was beneath me to be there, but after a few minutes, I decided to keep an open mind. After all, carnies need to feel the love too (and FYI – I ended up loving the place. It was very clean, and fun and a great place to hang out because there’s something for everyone). We were trying to decide where to eat dinner and at one point The Greek Goddess and Auntie Millie get into an argument over where to eat, because after all, The Greek Goddess is a holier-than-thou vegetarian (and I got nothing against vegetarians – one of my best friends is one), but I do have a problem with those vegetarians that have to act like they’re doing the planet a favor by not eating meat. I also don’t appreciate those that act like they’re better than me because of their diet. (I especially love how The Greek Goddess acts like her diet is so much “healthier” – yeah, that double-chocolate muffin her and Brittney had for breakfast, washed down with their chocolate milk was so healthy. Carb-overload! Sugar coma!) So we’re walking along, trying to find a decent restaurant to eat, and I overhear The Greek Goddess say something like, “Well, we’re REEEEEEEEEEALLLLLL Vegetarians” (meaning her and Brittney) and I’ve about had enough of this conversation. It is at this moment, we come about a Tex-Mex restaurant (which is where I wanted to eat and where The Greek Goddess doesn’t because she doesn’t think there’s going to be “real” vegetarian meals there…ever hear of a fucking cheese quesadilla????). And wouldn’t you know it? Prominently displayed in the window is a sign that says, “Ask us about our VEGETARIAN MENU”. I nearly peed my pants in excitement. My mom sees this sign and makes sure to be as loud and obnoxious as The Greek Goddess is being, and says “See! ‘Ask us about our vegetarian menu’ – I’m sure they have something for you REALLLLLL vegetarians to eat” only she says it so everyone eating out on the deck hears her for maximum embarrassment to The Greek Goddess. The Greek Goddess says something smart-ass to my mom, and Auntie just stands there like she can’t control her kid. So I have finally had enough, and I tell everyone to get their asses inside because I’m tired of all this shit, and I tell The Greek Goddess to shut the fuck up because she acts like she knows everything, when in reality, she doesn’t know shit. That shut everyone up. At that point, everyone looked at me like monkeys had started flying out of my ass, but holy fuck. I was DONE with the bullshit.

We went inside and ordered our food. And due to my outburst, we all sat for the first few minutes in an uncomfortable silence. Everyone except Daughter who is oblivious to everything, bless her little soul. When the food came out to us, there was one more little hiccup courtesy of The Greek Goddess. She gets her quesadilla and starts picking through it…”ugh…it’s got mushrooms on it! I can’t eat this.” The dipshit had ordered the vegetable quesadilla thinking she’d get a cheese quesadilla. Brittney was smart enough to have ordered a cheese quesadilla, thinking she’d get a cheese quesadilla. Teenagers. I wanted to smack The Greek Goddess and ask her what exactly did she think of when she heard the word “vegetable”, but I stayed out of it. The restaurant was nice enough to replace her food and get her what she “really” wanted, even though she didn’t order it correctly. I wished they would have charged her for it. That would have been awesome and would have sent Auntie into a financial tailspin.

When we leave the restaurant, I had had enough of bitchy teenage vegetarians for the evening, and we split up. My mom, Daughter and I ended up going into one of those photography places where they do old fashioned photos and you can dress up in Victorian clothing, or old west, or whatever and the pictures are brown and white. I dressed Daughter up in the “gangster” theme and got some photos done for my father-in-law. I figured I’d exacerbate the Italian stereotype a little more by doing this – and considering Husband’s shady family history – I figured this photoshoot would be appreciated. (It was.) After the pictures, we have to wait 30 minutes before we can pick out our proofs, so we decide to take Daughter to the carnival part of Old Town and let her ride some rides. I get her the “kiddie” bracelet – no limit to riding the kid rides. She was tickled pink especially when she found out there was a kiddie rollercoaster (she loves rollercoasters) and a giant slide you slide down on a burlap sack. Those were her two favorite rides and she must have ridden the rollercoaster about 10 times over the evening, and gone down the slide 10 times too. It wasn’t very busy on that part of the carnival, so I was glad because there was not a very long wait for her. I chatted on my cell phone with Husband for a while and then my mom and I chatted, watching Daughter. I decide at about 9:30 or so that we should go pick up our pictures.

We’re in the photo place and wrapping up our order when mom realizes that Auntie has called her 3 times. Whoops. She calls her when we leave the place (about 5 minutes later) and Auntie screams at her, “WE’RE AT THE CAR!” because you know, our crystal ball should have tipped us off to the fact that they were ready to leave. This sets me off and I tell my mom that I promised Daughter she could ride the rollercoaster two more times before we left, and I’ll be damned if anyone is going to tell me that we need to leave at this second, without me being able to fulfill my promise. So Fuck Them. We have to pass the parking lot on our way to the kiddie rides (my mom is convinced they saw us), and during our walk, I tell my mom that I DARE anyone to question me about letting Daughter take her last rides. Don’t poke a mama bear, y’all. I was ready to GO THE FUCK OFF on anyone who said something.

I let Daughter take her last rides, and we get to the car. Funny enough, no one says a fucking peep about anything. It was like they overheard my threats. Because it would have been ON if The Greek Goddess had opened her mouth. I think I would have went all Jerry Springer on her AND Auntie if either of them had said something. But luckily for them, no one said shit. You could have heard a pin drop on the ride home.

We got back to the condo and Daughter watched a movie on the portable DVD player, while mom and I read a book in our bedroom. Honestly, my family can suck it sometimes. Especially when my cousin acts like such a bitch and my aunt rips my mom off. Doesn’t anyone have any class anymore? Apparently not.

It was at this point in my vacation when I was ready to come home. I was glad I only one full day left to spend with these nutjobs. My mom snores to wake the dead, so besides not getting a good night sleep, I was just tired of everyone involved. Except of course, my kid. At least I can expect someone to behave themselves. And funny enough, my mom was relatively easy to take on this trip too. Maybe because I was her only ally.


Kylie said...

That's a crock of shit about the condo price fiasco!! I would've been pissed off too!!!

Samantha Grace said...

The condo thing is ridiculous. I would have flipped the fuck out.

And your father in law will LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE those pictures. Oh my god, he probably wishes he was there to orchestrate the whole thing.