Thursday, October 08, 2009

Angry Letters

Because I’ve enjoyed reading them on the blogs A Perfectly Cursed Life, and Live It, Love It, here is my version of angry letters (and you really should check out LiLu's version I linked you to above.  HILARIOUS shit right there.)  Enjoy!  (And yes...two posts in one day.  I'm bored here at work.)
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Dear Mother Nature,

Can you stop being such a difficult bitch and send some sunshine my way? I’m tired of all the rain. Oh, and while you’re at it, can you possibly make the wind a little less strong? The kids at the bus stop in the mornings are going to blow away if you’re not more careful.

Thanks,  Summer’s Lover

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Dear Clumsy Gene,

Thank you for spilling my lunch all over the parking lot this morning while I was leaving my car. It doesn’t matter that I also was carrying my purse and talking on my cell. You should be able to handle such things. Instead, my leftover Chinese food became breakfast for the fucking Canadian Geese that shit all over the parking lot.

Much Hatred, Not-So-Graceful

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Dear Thermostat to My Office,

Whoever controls you must hate me. I freeze in the morning and have hot flashes in the afternoon. It’s not pretty. I don’t fucking appreciate that I have to dress in layers AND have a space heater and fan (which both get used on cold days). It’s ridiculous.

Sincerely, Sweating My Balls Off This Afternoon

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Dear Broccoli,

I love you so much but why do you give me so much gas? My stomach is killing me today and I look like I have a balloon in my pants. Unfortunately, I've resorted to tooting in my office because if I didn't, I may have to be taken to the Hospital.  If someone comes in here and catches me, we are through.  Yes, consider that a threat.

What the Hell, Farty McFarterson

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Dear Asshole in the Office Next to Me,

When you have conference call, could you just hold your handset like a normal person instead of putting your meetings on speakerphone? I can hear every boring word you say and I don’t appreciate it. At least put your mistress or gay lover on speaker next time and give me a thrill.

Warmly, Here to Gossip

7 comments:

Hannah Miet said...

Ha. The broccoli one cracked me up.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

God, I hate speakerphone. What's so important that you can't PICK THE FUCKING THING UP!

Dr. Jay SW said...

Broccoli gives you gas? I've never noticed that effect myself, though I've definitely found that the "if it's yellow, let it mellow" ethos doesn't work so well when I've been eating asparagus, which I also love...

LiLu said...

BEEN THERE with the broccoli... ;-)

mysterg said...

If anyone ever puts me on speaker phone I automatically hang up. HATE!

I've left something on my blog for you.

perfectlycursedlife said...

Broccoli and i have the same relationship.

mytruth1118 said...

try beano before you eat broccoli "beano before and there will beano gas!"