Monday, April 13, 2009

I Feel a Rant Coming On...

I need to go off on one of my rants...long overdue, far as I am concerned. If you remember, I haven't ranted since January, when I lost my mind over the snow and winter.

This rant is going to be about me being overweight. What has caused me to go over the edge tonight is the fact that I'm trying to find a dress for my friend, Jen's, wedding. Now, I know Jen reads my blog and so I am going to make it clear right off the bat that I am not complaining about being asked to be in her wedding. I am honored and touched that she asked. We have been friends since we were 12 years old, and she is my oldest friend. I love her like a sister. So, thank you Jen, for allowing me to share your special day. comes the complaining.

WHY DON'T FASHION DESIGNERS MAKE CLOTHES TO FIT A WOMAN'S BODY? WHY? WHY? Fashion models are special for a reason. There are only 12 other women in the world who weigh 67 pounds and are 6'2". I'm sorry, world. I have stomach fat and boobs and a flat ass. I like to eat food without throwing it up shortly after consuming it, and I also like to eat junk food. I can't deal with eating grass all day. Husband likes my body and is glad I'm not a skeleton. I am big-boned (literally -- I did the wrist-measuring test. It's a confirmed fact.) My ancestry is from Eastern Europe, probably the pesantry, so I am not made of frail stock. I'm hearty and sturdy and could probably beat the fuck out of someone if I tried. Probably. Ask Husband. We've tussled and he can't take me down too quickly (and we were just playing for all of you ready to call the police). This body has given life to another human being and I have the stretch marks to prove it (I know you can't see them but since we're on the subject of how much I hate my body, might as well throw the stretch marks in there.) My stomach was stretched out to fit another person into it, and so my stomach no longer holds the elasticity like it could have done years ago. It's flabby and probably will always be that way. You will never be able to bounce a quarter off of it, regardless of how many sit ups or crunches or whatever I do. Short of a tummy tuck. Which I have considered....yes, sadly, I have considered the "mommy makeover" but the fact that I'd have to wear a "drain tube" has turned me off to it so far. I figure if it's good enough for freakin' Kate (of Jon & Kate Plus 8) then it's good enough for me. I'm just waiting for the science to get a little more advanced so I don't have to deal with the drain tube. Ewwww.

And everything that fits me is FUGLY. That's "fucking ugly" for all of you not up on the lingo of the kids today. F-U-G-L-Y with a capital FUG. The dresses are either fugly or look like they were designed for 75-year-old grandmas. And I don't have anything against grandmas, except for the fact that I am not one. I am a cute, rather chubby, round-faced, 37-year old. Not anyone's grandma. At least not yet.

And here are the flaws I am trying to fix and/or hide:

The aforementioned fat stomach
The aforementioned boobs
No waistline to speak of
The aforementioned flat ass (although this is easy to fix in a dress)
Flabby arms (I'm growing bat-wings)

Thank god for a cute face or all would be lost. I am now reminded that I am in desperate need of a tan because at least the fat will look better when it is tanned. Skin cancer be damned! Oh, and I won't even mention that I swear I am going through early menopause because I am hot everywhere I go, so I sweat like a pig in the August sunshine, even in the middle of winter. So no matter what I wear (I want to find a dress with some kind of sleeve but I should probably wear sleeveless because her wedding is in mid-June) -- short of going in my underwear -- I'm going to sweat my balls off. Sweaty fat girls are just not cute.

I am so frustrated. Grrrr.

I know I am going to look like a blimp in whatever dress I find. Jen is beautiful in her little size 2 body and I am going to be the anchor on one side of her (the other side being balanced out by her hunk of a husband who is in the military and is built like a brick-shithouse and is like 6'2" or something.) Yes, there will be Jen, anchored by 2 brick-shithouses. FUCK ME.

OK, enough of this. I need to get back to dress-shopping online. Wish me luck everyone.

UPDATE: Here are the four choices I've decided on. Let me know if you have a favorite. The first one is my favorite, I think (if I can find it with the little jacket thing (if you click on the "larger view" button you'll see what I am talking about). Hurry and let me know. I gotta get this dress ordered! All of the dresses are coming up in the navy blue color which is what I need to order (in case you were wondering what color). Thanks for your help!


Samantha Grace said...

I think this one would make you feel most comfortable and look really hot on you:

Kylie said...

I love the first one and the third one. I am always uncomfortable in strapless but, if you have a little jacket like you said I think it would be gorgeous!!
I get so pissed whan all you can find on sale racks is the sizes 0-6 WTH?? I don't know many people that size! Especially NOT me!!

mytruth1118 said...

Ok, so for one, I definitely NOT a size 2! As far as the dresses, the only one I personally did not like is #2, but all of them will be fine, I want u to choose the one that u like the best. And by the way I would LOVE to have your boobs!